Star Trek is the property of Paramount Pictures. Star Traks is the property of Alan Decker. Star Traks: Weird Universes is the property of Jason Eric Vines. Anyone who disputes this will be submitted to Worf torture... Or, even worse, Worf and Dax arguing... Or, the worst thing of all, Worf and Dax being FRIENDLY (Ewww!!!) STAR TRAKS: WEIRD UNIVERSES STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE "PROPHETS..." Captain Benjamin Sisko looked over at Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax. "Do you see what I see, Old Man?" Dax nodded. "Yes, I do. And quit calling me 'Old Man', baldo!" Sisko winced at Dax's remark and turned his attention to hideous thing approaching. "This is going to be ugly," he said, preparing his phaser rifle. "You don't say," Dax retorted, doing the same. That was when the creature got to them. Lieutenant Commander Worf handed Sisko the latest intelligence reports on the Dominion. "Is that all, Captain?" Sisko nodded nervously. "Uh... yes, Commander." Worf nodded back and left them. Dax let out a sigh of relief. "THAT was close." "Too close," Sisko corrected. He set the phaser rifle down on his desk. He slapped his commbadge. "Sisko to Odo." "Odo here. Are you all right, Captain?" "Just fine. Worf just gave me some intelligence reports." "You were lucky," Odo told his captain. "Next time, you might not be." "I'll be sure to keep that in mind, Constable. Sisko out." He turned to Dax. "Wanna sleep with me, good-looking?" Dax kneeled her seducer in the groin. "Another time, perhaps, Benjamin." On the floor, agonizing in pain, Sisko managed to mutter out, "All right, Commander..." Satisfied, Dax left Sisko's office. After Dax left, Sisko slowly tapped his commbadge. "Sisko to Bashir..." Bashir sounded concerned. "Are you all right, sir?" "Do I sound all right, Doctor? Use your genetically enhanced brain for a change." "My what?" Sisko cursed. "Never mind, Doctor. All you need to know is that I am in pain, and on the floor of my office." "Sounds nice." "DOCTOR!!" Bashir laughed. "I was only kidding, Captain. I'm coming up with a medkit on the double. Bashir out." Sisko grimaced as he tried to stand up. Failing, he fell back down to the deck with a resounding SNAP! He felt a sharp pain in his right hip. That was great. First Dax kneed him where the sun doesn't shine, and now he had a broken hip. Bashir rushed into the captain's office. He scanned Sisko with a medical tricorder. He frowned and shook his head. "This is not good." Sisko looked at the doctor curiously. "What's not good, Doctor?" Bashir shook his head again. "You have a lacerated optonimic fiber nerve in your plamic cluster." "What the hell does that mean?" "It's just some technobabble I made up on the spot. Sir, someone kicked you in the nuts." Sisko sighed. "I know that, Doctor!" "Don't interrupt me. Now, in addition to your smashed nuts, you have a broken hip as well." Bashir tsk-tsked. "This is not your day." "It won't be your day either unless you fix me, dammit!" Bashir looked sad. "There's no need to be rude, Captain." He took out some medical doo-dad from his medkit. "This is a multi-purpose scanceiver." "A what?" Bashir smiled. "A medical miracle worker." He ran the thing over Sisko's body. "There, good as new." Sisko leaped to his feet. "Run." Bashir looked puzzled. "Why?" "Because I'm going to do this," Sisko replied furiously. He punched Bashir, and the surprised doctor flew through the doors that slowly slid open. Major Kira, in Ops, looked alarm and shot Bashir with her phaser. The doctor stopped his flight and fell all the way down to the lower level of Ops. "Doom," Worf mumbled. Kira looked at Worf suspiciously. "What?" "Nothing." Sisko left his office and descended down to the command area of Ops. "What is the status of the Cardassian border?" "Nohing new, Captain," Kira said calmly. "The Cardassians are still jerks, but at least they're not acting like it." "That's good to hear." Sisko looked at Dax, and advanced towards her console. "We still on for tonight?" A phaser blast knocked Sisko unconscious. "Thank Kahless," Worf proclaimed. "He was really starting to annoy me." Another phaser blast knocked WORF unconscious. "Didn't know you were a gunslinger," Kira noted. "And a damn good one-" Dax phasered Kira. "Next." "Me," O'Brien volunteered. "Remind me never to play a game of Rolad and Wild Draw with you." O'Brien was knocked out by a phaser blast. Just then, Bashir got up and brushed his uniform off. He looked all over Ops and saw limp bodies everywhere. "Did I miss something?" Dax looked at him innocently. "No, Julian. Nothing at all." Sisko looked all around him. A bright white haze filled his vision. He suddenly knew where he was. But... he wasn't inside the wormhole. How could he be with the Prophets? The scene changed to Sisko's quarters. His son, Jake, was sitting on the couch doing homework. He glanced over at Sisko. "He arrives with questions." Kira's voice behind him said, "Dumb people ALWAYS have questions." Sisko turned to face the Prophet-Kira, and found himself on the bridge of the Defiant. Gul Dukat was on the viewscreen. He looked menacingly at Sisko. "Dax doesn't like you. We like baseball too. Dax stunned you because she doesn't like you. Get over it, and GET OUT OF OUR HAIR!" "Our proverbial hair..." Doctor Bashir said, coming up from behind Sisko. "I didn't ask to come here!" Sisko contradicted. "Yes, you did, Captain," Dukat said. "Either way, it doesn't matter. What matters is that now, we are asking you to leave." Sisko thought of Worf. "Uh... do I have to?" Just then, Dukat was replaced by Worf on the viewscreen. "Sir, if you do not leave, you will be violating Section 92-7-8573295710-39847509817590 of the Prime Directive." Sisko looked at Worf. "I suppose you're right. But... when I violate rules, I get promoted! Maybe if I stay, I'll get promoted to commander-in-chief!" Bashir looked up at Worf with scorn. "Yeah, dumb freak. That isn't very convincing, is it, Mr. Butthead? Now Sisko will stay for life!" Worf slammed his console and cursed in Klingon. "Are you willing to fight me, weak P'Tak?" Bashir looked scared and dropped down to the floor. He covered his head with his hands. "Um... no." "Then get out of it!" Worf glared at Sisko. "Captain, I recommend that you withdraw." "Not on my watch!" "Then you leave us no choice." Suddenly, Sisko was surrounded by Worfs. "If you stay, this is what you'll be subjected to..." Sisko screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kira looked down at her captain strangely. "Captain, are you all right? Maybe Julian should look at you." Sisko shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. "No, that's all right, Major." He struggled to his feet. "Report." Kira scoffed. "Gul Dukat wants to talk to you." Sisko winced. "On screen." "Alone, sir." "Who cares? On screen Major!" Kira smiled and inputted the instructions into her console. "Dukat's on screen, Captain." Sisko turned around to see an angry Gul Dukat on his main viewer. Weyoun was standing to Dukat's right. "How pleasing to see you again, Captain," Weyoun said smugly. "Cut it out, slug-thing," Sisko snapped. "Dukat, what the hell do you want?" Dukat let out a deep breath. "You know what has happened." Sisko raised his eyebrows. "I'm afraid I don't." Dukat scowled. "Everyone this side of the Federation border heard it." He sighed again. "You still don't know what I'm talking about, do you?" Sisko shook his head. Weyoun smiled. "What my dear friend is trying to say is that we heard you screaming 'no' all the way over here on Cardassia." "We want to know what you were screaming about," Dukat added. "None of your damned business," Sisko replied. "Now-" "You hairless toad!" Dukat seethed. "There's another thing. Did you think you could get away with duplicating Picard? Huh? You feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?" Sisko paused. "Well..." "We should retake the station!" "Let's not be so hasty," Weyoun said. "Baldness is the look for Starfleet captains. If not baldness, then grayness. One of the only people who didn't conform to that policy was Janeway of Voyager, whose hair the entire Dominion fleet couldn't punch through..." "Are you finished!?" Sisko yelled. "I've got bigger balls to crush!" Dukat looked puzzled. "That is... an unusual comment, considering your recent experience..." "Sisko out!" He turned quickly to his first officer. "Major..." Dax walked up to the captain. "You called Weyoun a slug-thing?" Sisko shrugged. "Yeah, so?" Dax kneed Sisko yet again. "What's so bad about that!?" She took out her phaser and stunned him. Everyone else took up hiding positions.