By Lt. J'hana of the Ninth Hive of Andor
Translated by Anthony Butler
"Handsome little zzfarnx, aren't I?"
(S'vhak is an Andorian word most closely related to the word "Aloha" in human lanugage, that
is, it can be used to mean just about anything)
fwarz-sharshers: A group of less-than-respectable Andorians who take part in untoward sexual
activity with livestock; see also "butt-monkeys"
fwarked (fwarking, fwark, fwarker): screwed, f***ed, generally in a great deal of trouble. The
verb form of fwark means "to ensure one's painful demise" or "to, through stupidity, ensure a
speedy and painful fwarking. A fwarker is generally in charge of sanitizing Andorian buildings
and space vessels, or is one who is being fwarked, or, if modified by the antecedent "sh," as in
"sh'fwarker," the one doing the fwarking.
schnarzzed: Drunk, i.e. plastered out of one's freaking mind; see also "f***ed"
shelat: Excrement, manure, defecation; see also "sh*t"
shelnak: Andorian currency, roughly the equivalent of one strip of gold pressed latinum or
twenty human dollars. Also considered a curse word in some dialects. This is some cause for
concern, as asking the question "I have two shelnaks for you" will be interpreted as an offer of
payment in the Vessak province, a declaration of hatred in the Huzzhm province, and an invitation
to engage in sexual activity in the Zuurk province.
snarg: A unit of fwarz-sharshers, as in "you're all a total snarg of fwarz-sharshers!"
zhackmakakt: Rougly translated, is a noun often used to describe someone you are about to gut
miserably and mount on a flag pole in front of your home for the entire provincial population to
witness. Completely interchangeable with the term "jerk."
zztann: No translation. More or less means "things are very very very bad." Phrases to follow
are normally along the line of "now we're really fwarked!"
I have several parents, though I am closest to three in particular. Those I am closest to are
located at a retirement colony on Gringis Five, at the edge of the Andorian border. There they
engage in many a splendid activity, including live bharsus hunting and ritual self-mutilation. They
write to me often, but I make sure not to dishonor them by replying.
When an Andorian female is ready to give birth to hivelings, which I assure you is not the case
with me, she posts statistics about her readiness on the planetary news net and begins to take
applications. Many times, over fourteen males in one day will fertilize the female. From that
point on, we are not sure what happens, until three and a half months later, when a large boil-like
growth begins to form on our bellies and four to nine small hivelings emerge in a sickening blast
that causes massive internal hemmoraghing for the female and a severe loss of appetite for anyone
nearby. That is not to say that the experience is not without merit. Andorian hivelings are
extremely easy to get along with until their fourth annum of growth, during which time they will
kill anything that moves if not tied down properly.
The Ship's Counselor aboard my vessel insisted that I mention something here about pets.
Andorians have absolutely no use for pets, with the exception of hunting, skinning, filleting, and
frying with a generous portion of ijhhat, which is similar to your hollandaise sauce in
consistency.
Below I've compiled a very meager listing of some places of interest on Andor:
The Hall of the Dead: Andorians, at least those of my hive, value death as the highest possible
honor one can have bestowed upon them. For this reason, we have each of our dead (the ones
that are intact, at least) in a large facility on our southern continent, where the weather is cooler
(for obvious reasons). The dead are catalogued, inventoried, and stacked in vacuum tubes for
viewing and, occasionally, taunting. The taunting of the dead is a popular holiday in many social
sectors on Andor, oftentimes practiced at holidays by the entire hive, or portions thereof.
The Hall of the Extremely Unhealthy and Infirmed: Quite a bit less popular than the Hall of
the Dead, this is where one would go to view, and occasionally taunt, those Andorians that are
overweight, mentally disturbed, or otherwise unfit to live in normal society. The upside of
visiting this Hall is that they have a substantially better giftshop.
The Sea of Rexax: The only body of water on Andor, circled by kilometers of fashionable beach
property and featuring a boardwalk with plenty of great shops. The Sea of Rexax is part of the
province of Juririr, which is commonly known as the trashiest province on Andor, and the
mindless puppets of mindless, tasteless Federation tourists, many of which are more than likely
reading this right now.
Bottomless Canyon of the Damned: Similar in design to your Grand Canyon, only much, much,
much deeper. No one really knows where the bottom is, so as one might imagine hundreds of
Andorians each annum come here to die. Tours leave the visitor's center at 1100 and 1500 hours
each day.
Zfellz Place: Not a real tourist attraction, but a really nice bar that plays classic vibrosynth and
electronic eye-gouge music, as well as easy listening contemporary Andorian sub-dermal funk.
Serves some of the more domestic blue ales and a special mix of Andorian liquors that burn
human flesh on contact. Gift certificates available.
bashtak: a dish so odorous it must be eaten while blindfolded and while having ones nose
pinched closed. Once chewed and swallowed, a horrible burning sensation assaults one's senses
and results in brief seizures and/or muscle spasms. The aftertaste, however, is quite enjoyable.
fharbus: A sweet, crispy, crunchy, breadlike substance stuffed with the full head of an Andorian
flightless waterfowl known as a flarbber. It is considered extremely impolite to spit out the beak.
gabavga: The full bladder and intestines of a "gabav." Best when served piping hot with a frosty
mug of Andorian blue ale.
smothered naardit: Quite similar to Earth's chipped beef on toast (otherwise known as s**t on a
shingle) with the exception that the naardit is nothing like toast and the sauce is not chipped beef.
In fact, the naardit is a furry, somewhat pungent woodlant creature of the purplish variety and is
smothered in the "Blood of the Damned," which is just a fancy phrase used to describe brown
gravy.
zhalat ribs: pretty self-explanatory, as these are the ribs of a zhalat, which is yet another
woodland creature roughly the size of a runabout.
ritual suicide: There are several different variations on this but the result is always the same:
good, clean fun. Many of the larger institutions on Andor have a ritual suicide varsity team, but
the inherent problem with this practice is that when a team wins the championship, no one is
around to celebrate.
Zanthra's Wounds: One of my favorite plays. A seven-hour epic in which the protagonist,
Zanthra, is slowly carved and stabbed by her mates Thrandak and Gilkorn. The role of Zanthra is
extremely sought-after on Andor.
Click here for a sample from Zanthra's Wounds. I am not responsible for any tympanic damage
you may endure from this selection.
Around the time of their thirtieth annum, Andorians are required to perform a ceremony known as
the Jemlatti'kari. Unlike similar Klingon customs, this practice does not involve painsticks.
Instead, friends of the Jemlattee join him/her in a large, cavelike structure in the outback of
Andor's Xarxix district, and bathe in a large pool of tapioca or a pudding-like substance. Next,
there is much tomfoolery and splashing of said substance. The philosophy of this seemingly
stupid practice is to wallow in the sickening truth of life while celebrating one's choices and future
demise. My captain said it best when he described the ritual as "general stupid merriment." Hey,
everything doesn't have to have a reason, does it?
While they would not survive a day of our annual three-month long heatwave, they are honorable
nonetheless. For humans, that is.
If you wish to contact/threaten me about any of the above-mentioned topics, or would like to
arrange for travel to Andor aboard the Federation Starship Explorer, simply email me at
j'hana@starship.explorer.ufp
Andorians, Star Trek, and everything else that I didn't make up on my own is the property of
Paramount and their dark masters, Viacom Communications. J'hana, and the colorful phrases
and information found herein are property of me, Anthony Butler, Copyright 1998, no matter
what J'hana says to the contrary.
