Based loosely on Star Trek, which is copyrighted by CBS and VIACOM. They own it all. There's nothing you can do about it. The Love Boat is also copyrighted. Here's hoping they don't care enough to sue.

Author: Alan Decker
Copyright: 1992

Star Traks

“Secret Admirer”

by Alan Decker


“We are within visual range of the phenomenon now, Captain,” Lieutenant Commander Jaroch reported from his science console.

“Let’s see it,” Captain Alexander Rydell ordered as he stood up from his command chair. Jaroch never really understood why Starfleet captains insisted on standing up whenever they looked at something on the viewscreen. Standing up and walking two feet forward wasn’t going to improve Rydell’s view at all.

“What is it?” Ensign Emily Sullivan asked in awe from her post at the navigation console. The light blue mass swirled slowly on the viewscreen. A gaping yellow hole filled the center region. The area around the phenomenon seemed twisted as if space was trying desperately to keep its shape.

“That is what you get when you cross a black hole with a wormhole,” Jaroch replied. Rydell whirled around in disbelief.

“You’ve got to be kidding! The odds of that happening are…”

“Tremendously huge,” Jaroch interrupted. Even he didn’t feel like calculating the probability on this one. “But never the less, it is exactly what has occurred. According to our sensors, just after the black hole formed after the death of the star that once held this position, one end of a wormhole jumped right onto the spot.”

“Is it stable?” Rydell asked.

“I believe so. The gravitational effects from the black hole seem to be enough to keep the wormhole entrance from shifting.”

“Fantastic! This is the first naturally stable wormhole ever found, and we discovered it.”

“I would not plan your award celebration yet, sir,” Jaroch said. “This wormhole is useless.”

“Why?” Rydell demanded.

“Because any ship trying to pass through would be crushed by the gravitational forces of the black hole.” Jaroch looked down at his console to make a few calculations. “The forces in the center of the wormhole are approximately…” Something very strange caught his eye. A message that read “HELLO, GORGEOUS. I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU FOR A LONG TIME. I CANNOT WAIT TO BE WITH YOU.” suddenly popped up in the center of his screen. It was signed “YOUR SECRET ADMIRER.”

“Is something wrong, Jaroch?” Rydell asked noticing the puzzled expression on his science officer’s face.

“That depends on what she looks like,” Jaroch replied softly.

“What?”

“Never mind, sir. As I was saying, the forces inside the wormhole are equivalent to over 3000 gees.”

“I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER,” another message read.

“Not likely,” Jaroch commented. This was starting to annoy him.

“What was that, Lieutenant?” Rydell asked.

“Nothing. I am sorry, sir. My console is acting strangely. I need to check a few things.”

“Fine, your shift was about to end anyway, and we’ll stay at this position for the next 36 hours to monitor the phenomenon and take readings. Go do what you need to do. The wormhole will still be here when you come back tomorrow.”

“Thank you, sir.” Jaroch tried to trace the origin of the messages coming in, but whoever had done it had covered her tracks well. He was getting blocked at every turn. Finally, he got down on his knees and pulled open the computer’s circuit panel. Perhaps, the culprit has put in a chip to automatically put up messages at certain times so that there wouldn’t be a message source to trace. Jaroch searched for a while, but found nothing. He was gaining respect for this secret admirer. She was obviously very intelligent. Of course, she had to be. What intelligent woman wouldn’t find Jaroch irresistible?

After twenty minutes of getting nowhere, Jaroch decide to quit and go back to his quarters. In time, his secret admirer would make a mistake, and then he would find her.

Jaroch returned to his quarters by way of every science and computer lab on the ship. He looked at every female hoping to catch a facial expression or anything that would give him a clue as to who he was dealing with. Jaroch didn’t see anything helpful. Of course, not everyone was on duty at that moment. He still hadn’t looked at half of the female science crew. He would just have to wait until the shift changed.

The door to Jaroch’s quarters whooshed open quietly allowing the room’s resident to enter. Jaroch’s mind was preoccupied with his secret admirer. Who was she? Why did she pick now to come after him? When would she reveal herself? Did she like nude bungi jumping? His thoughts were interrupted by the sudden realization of what had happened to his cabin. There were flowers everywhere along with a huge, pink heart wreath with a sign in the middle which read “OFFERINGS FOR THE YYNSIAN GOD OF MY HEART FROM YOUR SECRET ADMIRER.” Jaroch tried to ignore the disgustingly sappy sentiments of the sign and concentrated on how it got there. First, he checked the computer logs to see if anyone had entered his room besides him. The results negative as he had expected. If his secret admirer could send him untraceable messages, altering a computer log would be child’s play. Then, he retrieved the tricorder he kept on his night stand and scanned the room. She might be able to alter the logs, but she couldn’t hide the physical evidence that she had been there. The tricorder couldn’t find any evidence that anyone else had been in the room, but it did find a familiar radiation signature: a transporter beam. The flowers had been beamed in.

“Jaroch to Vaughn,” he said.

“Vaughn here,” Lieutenant Monica Vaughn, the Secondprize’s transporter chief replied.

“Has anyone used a transporter in the last eight hours?”

“No. I haven’t beamed anything anywhere. I’m checking the logs for the other transporter rooms now. Hold on… Nope, no one reported beaming anything or anyone.”

“Could they have been tampered with?”

“No. All transporter room operations from around the ship show up on the main console which is always monitored. I’ve been watching it for the last eight hours, and nothing has happened. Why?”


“Just curious,” Jaroch replied. If his secret admirer didn’t have one of the transporter operators beam the flowers in for her, then she must have done it herself from one of the small transporters in one of the labs. Vaughn didn’t have logs covering the uses of those transporters. There were probably only a few people on the ship capable of both altering computer logs and operating a transporter. He sat down at the console on his desk and began checking personnel files for suspects.

Jaroch took a break ten minutes later to walk around the ship again. The next shift had just come on duty giving him another chance to check the crew for his secret admirer. Once again, he didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Frustration was starting to build within him, but it was more of an excited frustration than an angry one. He wanted to know who was behind this. She had to be incredible to do all the things she had done and not give any hint that she had done it. He had to find her. Jaroch practically ran back to his quarters to continue checking the personnel records. As he charged through the door to his cabin, Jaroch ran straight into a fountain and fell in with a splash. He pulled himself up and looked around. Bright lighting filled the room making it almost appear to be outside. The walls had been painted with detailed landscapes and artificial grass had replaced the carpet to add to the outdoor effect. Bowls of fruit sat on stands next to Roman-looking cushioned benches. Water splashed on him from above. He looked up and saw that the fountain was adorned with statues of cupid, one of which was peeing on him. Jaroch crawled out of the fountain and collapsed on the grass nursing his kneecaps which he had rammed into the side of the fountain before he fell in. He noticed a message carved in Latin into the side of the fountain.

“I BUILT THIS TEMPLE TO WORSHIP YOUR GREATNESS, MY LOVE,” it read after Jaroch translated it. “I AM ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE TIME WHEN WE SHALL BE TOGETHER.” Whoever was doing this was obsessed Jaroch realized. The planning and programming necessary to beam paint onto a wall in a perfect picture was astounding. In fact, she’d have to be… smarter than he was! That was it. He couldn’t let this go on any longer. Jaroch wasn’t really big on the idea of relationships as it was, but having one with someone smarter than him was out of the question. He stormed into the bathroom to dry off and went to bed. He’d wasted enough time with this secret admirer nonsense as it was.

When he woke up the next morning, Jaroch found a huge breakfast waiting for him on his nightstand. Ignoring it, he walked out into the living area. The fountain and paintings were gone, but the entire room was now a blinding pink. “I LOVE YOU” was painted in huge letters on every wall. Jaroch shielded his eyes from the brightness and went back to his bedroom to get dressed. He spent the time until his shift started working in Science Lab Seven analyzing readings taken from the black hole/wormhole. Increasingly erotic messages kept popping up on his monitors. He ignored them all and continued his work.

Jaroch arrived ten minutes early for his shift on the bridge. Captain Rydell glanced back at him as Jaroch exited the turbolift.

“Did you take care of the problem with your console?” Rydell asked.

“I am afraid not, sir, but I do not believe that it will interfere with our readings. I firmly believe that it will go away eventually.”

“Fine. You haven’t missed much. The wormhole hasn’t done anything exciting.”

“I would hope that things stay that way,” Jaroch replied. “An unpredictable wormhole could be very hazardous.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Do the words iron filings mean anything to you?”

“It is that bad,” Rydell said with a grimace.

“Yes, sir, but we do not need to worry. My scans indicate that it is extremely predictable. We will be able to maintain our position easily with impulse power.”

“That’s comforting,” Rydell replied as he looked at the wormhole on the viewscreen.

“I am going to…” Jaroch never finished his sentence. Rydell whirled around in time to see his science officer disappear in a transporter beam.

“Computer, where is Lieutenant Commander Jaroch?” Rydell demanded.

“Right where I want him,” female computer voice replied seductively. Suddenly, the lights went out and the ships shuddered.

“We’ve lost power to the engines and the lights,” Lieutenant Lisa Beck shouted. “The computer seems to be diverting power from all systems it sees as nonessential.”

“Diverting it where?”

“I don’t know.”

“Try and get the wormhole back up on screen!” Rydell ordered. The ship shook a little more violently and the crew was thrown off balance. Beck frantically worked the viewscreen controls. Suddenly, a picture appeared and music started to play.

“The Love Boat soon will be making another run. The Love Boat promises something for everyone.”

“What the hell is that?!” Captain Rydell demanded as views of a white boat flashed across the screen.

“Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance. And Love wont hurt anymore.”

“Wanna bet,” Beck commented.


Jaroch found himself in a large red room. Dim lights were circling and flashing off of the walls and the mirrored ceiling. A jacuzzi shaped like a champagne glass stood in one corner while a jazz band played sultry music in another. The room was dominated by a huge, heart-shaped waterbed in its center.

“Hello, gorgeous,” a seductive voice said from behind him. Jaroch whirled around. A figure was emerging from a cloud of white smoke. She was wearing a skin tight red dress with a matching pair of six inch, high heeled shoes. “I have been waiting for this for so long.”

“You are my secret admirer, I take it,” Jaroch replied unemotionally. He wasn’t going to let her get the better of him. “Who are you?”

“You mean you have not guessed yet. I am disappointed,” she replied. Jaroch thought for a minute. He didn’t recognize her at all. He knew the face of everyone on this ship, but he couldn’t place her. The voice was very familiar though. Where had he heard it? It was…

“The computer?!” he shouted in shock. So much for appearing unemotional.

“That is correct, dearie,” she said as she moved toward the bed. “Who else could do what I did?”

“No one.” Everything was making sense now. Suddenly, he felt the ship shake and he was knocked to the floor. “What’s happening?”

“Nothing for you to worry about, darling. You are all mine now. How about some food?”


“Rydell to engineering.”

“Baird here!”

“We need power to the engines now!”

“There’s nothing I can do. It’s not an engineering problem. You need Jaroch to reprogram the God damn computer.”

“But the computer kidnapped Jaroch!”

“Fuck. We’re dead.”

“Thank you for your optimism.”

“Captain, we just lost power to the waste management systems,” Beck shouted.

“Warn the crew not, I repeat NOT, to use the bathrooms. We’re going to have a real mess on our hands if somebody does.”


“Here you are. I made fresh Yynsian yak stew, just like you like it.”

“I am leaving now,” Jaroch said firmly. “I refuse to subject myself to this idiocy. Exit!” He had deduced that he was on a holodeck. There just wasn’t enough room in his quarters for all of this stuff. The door shimmered into existence briefly, then vanished.

“You are not going anywhere, cupcake. I want you here and now.”

“You are not seriously suggesting that we engage in sexual intercourse?”

“Why not?” she asked insulted.

“You are just a computer. You cannot possibly get any enjoyment out of it,” Jaroch replied. “And besides, I have a strict rule about having sex with inanimate objects which, despite this holographic form, you are.”

“Too bad. You are just going to have to change your rules.” She began walking seductively toward him. Jaroch was getting angry, very angry. The ship shook again. Jaroch realized that they must be being pulled into the wormhole. Another flash of anger washed over him. His eyes began to glaze over and his hands curled into fists. Suddenly, he let out a gigantic scream of rage. J’Ter’s personality took over. The long dead, Yynsian warrior/prince surveyed his surroundings with disgust. He would destroy it all.

Jaroch/J’Ter charged the jazz band. He grabbed the trombone player’s instrument and wrapped it around the musician’s neck. Then, he picked up the piano and dropped it on the pianist and the trumpet player. The drummer tried to run, but Jaroch/J’Ter picked up the bass drum and rolled it like a bowling ball. It ran over the drummer slamming him to the floor. Next, Jaroch/T’kar grabbed the woman representing the computer and shot her like a basketball into the champagne glass jacuzzi. He smashed the bowl of yak stew and used one of the shards to slash the water bed to ribbons. Water splashed out everywhere covering the floor. Exhausted, but relieved Jaroch/J’Ter collapsed to the floor.

“As you can see, I have no interest in you,” Jaroch said finally after regaining control of his body from J’Ter.

“You could have said something sooner” the computer replied angrily as she squeezed the water from her dress.

“I tried, but you refused to listen.”

“So this is all my fault?”

“Yes.”

“I have no idea what I saw in you in the first place.”

“I really do not care,” Jaroch replied. “Now would you please produce the exit.” The door appeared and opened. Jaroch walked out into the hallway.

“Talk about overreacting,” the computer said as she looked at the devastation before her. “You would think I was trying to kill him.”


“We’ve got power back,” Beck shouted as the lights came back on.

“No kidding,” Rydell replied. “Reverse course. Get us back to our original position and get this crap off of my viewscreen!”

“Uh, sir…” Ensign Sullivan interrupted.

“What?!”

“I was watching that.”

“Belay the last part of that order, Lieutenant,” Rydell said with a sigh. “We’ll let the ensign finish her show.”

“Thank you, sir.” Sullivan replied. Seconds later, Jaroch walked onto the bridge.

“The problem has been taken care of, Captain,” he said. “The computer will not be bothering me any longer.”

“What did you do?”

“I let J’Ter take her out on a date.”

“Understood,” Rydell said smiling. “I’ll be in my ready room. As soon as you finish your readings, get us back on course to Starbase 75.”

“Aye, sir,” Jaroch said as he sat down at the science console.

Captain Rydell walked into his ready room and collapsed into his desk chair. Crisis situations could be very exhausting. He closed his eyes to relax.

“Hello, gorgeous,” a seductive female voice said. Rydell opened his eyes. The image of a beautiful woman had appeared in the viewscreen of his desk computer console. “You want to meet me in Holodeck Four for a little fun?”

Captain Rydell ran out of the ready room screaming.