Galactic sensors have scanned and cut all offensive material. These stories are based on Alan Decker's Star Traks series, Star Trek belongs to Viacom, but this story is by Ryan Byrne. Now sit back and enjoy.

Author: Ryan Byrne
Copyright: 2002

Star Traks: Starfleet Academy

“You Know You’re a Redneck…”

By Ryan Byrne

3rd year Cadet Jean LaRue was late……again, to his class on starship command. He bowled down a couple of 1st year cadets, “Sorry!” he called back. He stopped before the door, tugged on his uniform and calmly walked in. “Well cadet, nice of you to join us.” Captain Chober, the instructor, taunted. “Did you complete your report on your favorite ship captain?”

“Sh*t,” LaRue muttered “Yes sir, I have a little cleaning up to do.”

“Cadet, you didn’t need to tell me that, it is an oral report.” The Captain smiled “I’ll let it pass, now if you would present it.”

“Awwww crap!”

“So you didn’t finish your report and tried to fake it,” Admiral Layton was saying looking at the padd, “And then swore so much that Chober………blushed.” she cocked an eyebrow.

“Hey he was ragging me.”

“Look, I can drum you out of the academy forever or assign you to a quad. I think with a little help you can become a good commander,” she typed something on her padd “Quad 59a should suit you well. They’ll be leaving on the USS Beverly hills NCC-90210 to Kishman IIV at 0600 tomorrow morning for their survival test be there on time for once.”

“F**k what choice do I have? I’ll be there.”

He got there just as the others were about to be beamed the starship, “Well better late than never genius.” he heard a sarcastic female voice call to him. Oy he thought How did I get my self into this. He speed walked up the platform onto the transporter pad. “Energizing.” the transporter operator calmly stated. The academy transporter room shimmered away and the transporter room of the Oberth-class starship appeared.

A middle aged man wearing captains pips smiled at them. “Welcome to the Beverly hills cadets.” “Thank you sir, I’m Jean LaRue, captain……..”

“Wannabe.” spat Tama Laque

“…as I was saying I am a captain-in-training.” He gave Tama a dagger sharp look.

Tama stepped up to him, when suddenly the captain smiled and walked over to the man at the transporter console. “Hmmmm, your cute.”

“I apologize, I lost control for a moment.” Thib No’tak stepped up.

The captains warm smile didn’t return. “What’s your quad number?” he asked worried.

“59a,” Taki said wondering “why do you want to know?”

“Uh, no reason.” He quickly walked out of the room hoping to make it to the bathroom before he puked from trying to pick-up a guy.

An ensign walked in “I’ll show you your quarters, the holodeck and ten forward.” She motioned for the cadets to follow him. All the guys head turned as the ensign left staring at her. “Looks like this trip might be better than expected.” Taki said smiling. “Men!” Tama, Alik and Thib cried out.

Taki Noushi sat in ten forward sometime later, sipping a Lika ale. He and Jean had both stuck out with ensign Taylor. His comm badge bleeped: “All cadets report to transporter room 2.”

“Well it’s time to go,” he got up “thanks for the drink.” he said to the bartender.”

The five cadets walked in lined up from highest rank to lowest. They walked on to the pad of the transporter. The captain nodded to Jean who then quickly commanded “Beam us down.” Taki Noushi had been studying KishmanVII since he had boarded the Beverly hills, it seemed more barren than he had expected. “Reminds me of home,” Thib whispered to herself.

They walked until they reached a small stream. “Well, this is a good a place as any to set up camp.” Alik said to the group. “Agreed.” Jean announced, “Taki and Tama you go out and search for food, Thib get some wood for a fire, Alik and I will set up camp.” “Certainly your majesty.” Tama said in a sarcastic tone. Taki grabbed her arm “C’mon lets not start anything.” They walked along the river “Anything living would live near water.” Taki told her.

Later they had a collection of plants and some phaser-cooked animals which Alik had checked with her tricorder to make sure they were safe. Tents were placed up, five to be exact, but there was one problem, Thib was not back with the wood. In a concerned voice Jean broke the silence “Cadet Thib No’tak has disappeared. I think she may have just gotten lost. Tomorrow we should look for her, any arguments.”

“For once I agree with you LaRue.” Tama announced.

Jeans mouth dropped, “You’re the first one I expected to contradict me.” he said in a surprised tone, “Do you all feel the same way?” murmurs of approval arose, “Very well, get some sleep, we’ll start at dawn.”

Meanwhile Cadet was bound and gagged in a chair with her boots off. A grizzled figure appeared before her, I’m gonna make you squeal like a piggy.” he said giddily. He raised his right hand and in it was a feather.

That morning the other cadets were climbing a rock formation in their search for Spo….. I mean, search for Thib. They reached the top of the formation, looking down off of it they saw a great distance and nothing there except a small shack. “She might have went there for shelter.” Taki said pointing to the small building. “Lets go!” Jean called walking down the rocks. “Careful,” he called up “it’s harder going down than it is going uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”

Alik looked down and saw Jean on the ground screaming. “Lets get him.” she told the others.

The cadets walked back to camp with Jean in Aliks arms, he smiled weakly “There are worse places to be.” he laughed. “Look!” called Taki. An older man wearing coveralls called out at them raising a phaser rifle “GIT OFF OF MUH LAND!” He tossed his empty bottle of whisky at them, and opened fire. Running for cover Tama thanked god he was drunk and probably couldn’t hit the broad side of a planet. Taki returned fire with they’re only phaser. It was a small type 1 hand phaser and was less than nearly empty. Then it wouldn’t fire at all! Totally drained. “RUN!” he called to his friends.

They outran and lost the chasing man. Taki looked at his injured friend, “A redneck.” he stated. “A what!?” Alik looked at him as if he were insane. Jean told them, “An old earth term for a drunk, racist person who didn’t have a lot of money.” “Ah.” Alik said, suddenly she shivered “He’s bl bl bleeding.”

“What can you do for him Alik?” Taki said studying his tricorder, “He has a broken leg.”

“Whose Alik?” Alik asked, “I am Kiana.”

“Oh no she changed minds again.” Tama said weakly “Is there anything you can do?” she asked hopefully. “Dammit woman, I’m a ballerina not a doctor. And I’m all alone.” She huddled in the fetal position. “RAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH!” Taki cried releasing his anger. “We’re down to two functioning cadets.” he whipped the tricorder to the ground smashing it. “Ooops, sorry.” he said sheepishly. “Don’t be.” Tama smiled, “With the tricorder, phaser and some medkit parts I can build a phase dampener, shutting down his phaser and allowing us to rescue Thib!” “Do it.” Taki commanded.

Two hours later the phase dampener was ready. “Now Tama,” Taki said to her “Did you leave the dermal regenerator so Alik could help Jean when she’s better.” “Yep.” “Good how long till the Beverly hills arrives to pick us up?” “Half an hour.” “Great lets go!” The two cadets begun the land trek(hows that for a pun?) to the shack. They arrived and entered opened the creaking door, a blur rushed past them. Taki spun around and activated the dampener. “Get Thib.” he told her. The redneck raised his phaser and pressed the trigger, nothing happened. “Ah gul-dang it!” he shouted. Taki ran over and punched him in the face. When the redneck landed Taki began to kick him.

Thib and Tama walked out of the shack. Thib looked a little frazzled but none the worse for wear. Taki motioned the ladies first sign and Thib smiled. She walked over to the fallen human and kicked him, she heard him groan and then walked over him leaving footprints on his back. Tama also walked over him and left. Taki smiled and stepped over the person following the two women.

Taki’s jaw dropped as he saw Jean up and walking towards him. “Hey buddy,” Jean welcomed him, and motioned for a high five. “Stealing all my glory.” “You’re the one who fell off the cliff.” “Touché’” “I guess Alik got herself together.” “Yep and did a bang up job.” “Good.” Taki commented as a transporter beam swept them up.

“A toast.” Jean suggested, “To quad 59a for overcoming they’re first challenge!”

“Hear, hear.” Taki laughed.

“I guess we may beat that rumor about being screw-ups.”

“Yeah, but I still don’t like you.” Tama responded.

They raised their glasses with a clink.

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