AUTHOR'S NOTE: We've felt all along that Star Traks is more of a comedy set in the Star Trek universe than a parody, but sometimes the parody bug just won't go away. That said, here's a look at some classic Trek moments and how they might have gone if the Traks crews had been there instead.

Author: Alan Decker, Anthony Butler
Copyright: 2000

The Original Star Traks in…

Star Trek: The Motion Picture


Captain Alexander Rydell shifted impatiently in the command chair as the Secondprize sailed through the incredible vastness of V’Ger. Finally, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“Could we speed up a couple of warp factors? Please? This cloud was kind of pretty for the first hour or so, but this is getting really damn boring.”

Commander Jaroch looked up from his scans. “But what about the mystery. Do you not find this at all awe-inspiring?”

“You want awe-inspiring? Get that bald lady back here, and I’ll show you awe-inspiring.”


Star Traks: Waystation in…

“A Call to Arms (DS9)”


As Gul Dukat and Weyoun victoriously entered Captain Lisa Beck’s office to gloat over their conquest of Waystation, they were immediately confronted with a bizarre black statue of a vaguely humanoid figure sitting on her desk, which was odd considering most everything else had been cleared out.

“What is this?” Weyoun asked, picking up the small figurine.

“A message,” Dukat replied. “It means that she’ll be back.”

BOOOOOM!


On the USS Wayward, Beck smiled as the scanners detected a massive explosion on the ops deck of Waystation.

“Guess they found your present,” Lieutenant Commander Porter said.

“Idiots.”


Star Traks: The Vexed Generation in…

“Deadlock (VOY)”


Andy Baxter, Captain of the Aerostar, stood by the warp core, across from Andy Baxter, also Captain of the Aerostar.

They folded their arms as one and stared at each other for a few moments.

“Well,” said Baxter One. “This is awkward.”

“Yeah,” muttered Baxter Two.

“Our ships have been split apart by some kind of cosmic event,” said Baxter One. “So says my engineer, anyway.”

“My Richards says the same thing,” Baxter Two nodded.

“But we’re sapping anti-matter from each other,” said Baxter One.

“Yep,” said Baxter Two. “We have to do something about it.”

“Yes we do.”

“Yep.”

Then, as one, they both cried out: “SACRIFICE YOURSELF!”

“NO,” they said in unison. “YOU sacrifice YOUR SELF!”

Baxter One sighed. “This is ridiculous.”

“Glad you see that,” replied Two. “I’ll order the self- destruct, if you like.”

“We’re on YOUR ship!” One shouted.

“Oh. Right. Well, get on then. Blow up your ship. Do the heroic thing. We’ll say great things about you and the other duplicates at parties.”

“How do you know YOU GUYS aren’t the duplicates?”

“Now you’re just being silly.” Baxter Two sighed.


The Original Star Traks in…

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country


Captain Rydell tensed as the speakers on the bridge barked to life. Somewhere out there was a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey waiting to blast the Secondprize to bits.

“I can see you, Rydell. Can you see me?” came the smug voice of General Chang.

Rydell didn’t feel like playing this particular game. “Yes,” he lied.

“What? No you can’t! Where are we then?” Chang demanded.

“Right there!”

“You’re lying!”

“Am I, Jaroch?”

“No. I can see the ship quite clearly,” Jaroch replied from the science console.

“You’re both lying!” Chang insisted.

“No, we aren’t,” Rydell replied.

“Are too!”

“Are not.”

“Are too!”

“Are not.”

“Are too!”

“Dee too!”

“What?”

“Never mind. Lock on and blow him up,” Rydell said.

“Reset our cloak,” Chang cried, sounding panicked.

“Got them,” Jaroch said, as the bird of prey suddenly appeared on sensors for a moment as its cloak reset.

Rydell sighed and relaxed a bit in his command chair as he listened to Chang shout at his crew in an entertaining mix of Klingon and Shakespearean insults. “Hawkins, feel free to mute him anytime.”

“Turning down the volume now, sir,” Hawkins replied, launching a full spread of photon torpedoes.


Star Traks: The Vexed Generation in…

Star Trek: Generations


Captain Baxter stepped into the Constellation Cafe, which was WAY more crowded than usual. He stepped up to the bar, where Mr. Mirk was polishing a glass.

“Mirk, what’s all the hub-ub about?”

“It’s Free Shlarn-Blarster night, sir,” Mirk said with a grin. “Care to try one?”

Baxter shrugged. “Sure. Why not.” Mirk handed him the steaming mug of orange-ish liquid and he chugged it. “Mmm. Delicious! Can I have another?”

“Probably not a good idea, sir. Mr. Heller had two and had to have his stomach contents beamed out.”

Baxter glared at Mirk. “You’re saying…URP!…there was alcohol in this?”

“Yes!” Mirk replied. “This is a BAR!”

Baxter was about to reply angrily when his legs suddenly seemed to turn to mush. He’d almost forgotten why the hell he was at the Cafe in the first place.

“Mirk, have you seen a Doctor…Sorbet?” Baxter blinked. Mirk seemed all blurry.

“Doctor Soran, you mean?” Mirk asked. “Yeah, he’s over there. Looks bummed, too. Didn’t even want to try a Shlarn-Blarster.”

“I guess I’d better go talk to him.” Baxter stumbled haphazardly through the Cafe crowd to find Doctor Soran staring out the slatted windows at the warm, yellow Amargossa star.

“You wanted ta talk ta me?” Baxter asked drukenly.

Soran nodded, studying Baxter with curiosity. “Yes….I need to return to the observatory immediately. I must continue a critical experiment I was running on the Amargosa star.”

“Ah. Hmm. Do you like to play Bingo?” Baxter asked, eyes lolling.

“Captain…there is no time for games! The timing is very important on my experiment- if it is not completed within the next twelve hours, years of research will be lost.”

“Listen, buddy, I know I haven’t known you for long, but already I can tell you’re a great guy.” Baxter threw a hand over Soran and belched in his face. Soran looked disgusted. “You seem a good sort.”

“You smell like fermented ragweed!” Soran said, covering his face.

“You don’t smell so good yourself, mister hoity-toity!” Baxter yelled back at Soran. “Just for that, you don’t get to go do your experiment thing! Not with an attitude like that! Go stand in the….ARRRP! Corner!”

Soran grabbed Baxter by his collar and jerked him forward. “They say time is the fire in which we burn. Right now, Captain, my time is running out. We leave so many things unfinished in our lives- I’m sure you can understand….”

Baxter thought about that a few moments, then said:

“BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!”


Star Traks: Waystation in…

“The City On The Edge Of Forever (TOS)”


Captain Lisa Beck paced the living area expectantly, carefully avoiding the various vacuum tubes and wires Porter had spread everywhere, as Porter reviewed the data he’d recorded from the Guardian of Forever.

“There’s no doubt about it,” Porter said finally, looking up from his tricorder. “Edith Keeler must die.”

“Okay,” Beck said. She was quiet for a couple of moments. “I guess that would have been a lot more dramatic if I was a guy and in love with her or something.”

“Probably.”

“Oh well. Let’s go get this chick run over.”


The Original Star Traks in…

Star Trek: First Contact


With Commander Travis Dillon and Commander Scott Baird of the 24th century USS Secondprize sitting behind him, Zephrem Cochrane prepared to activate the engines of his experimental ship, the Phoenix, for the first time.

“Let’s rock and roll,” Cochrane said.

“Just don’t f*** it up,” Baird muttered.

“What?”

“Actually, Commander Baird does have a point,” Dillon said, leaning forward. “In the 24th century, we have certain regulations regarding the use of warp drive within the solar system that, while they haven’t technically been written yet in this time, are still a good idea. First, make sure you are well clear of…”

THWACK!

Dillon’s lecture was cut mercifully short by Baird’s fist.

“Just push the f***ing button,” Baird said, shoving the unconscious Dillon back in his seat.

“You got it,” Cochrane replied. “But first…” Cochrane pushed a disk into the console in front of him. Soon the sounds of “Magic Carpet Ride” blared out of the cockpit’s speakers.

“Next time I fly alone,” Baird grumbled.


Star Traks: The Vexed Generation in…

“Sub Rosa (TNG)”


Lt. Commander Richards poked his head through the antique door of Doctor Browning’s grandmother’s home.

“Janice?”

No one responded. All Richards heard was the sound of a blender.

He crept back toward the kitchen.

When he got there, he saw Browning and that goofy man with the page-boy blond hair bent over a blender, making milkshakes.

“I KNEW this had something to do with food!”

Pink energy seeped away from Browning as she worked the blender. “This milkshake is going to taste FABULOUS, Aiden!”

“Yes, yes it will, my love!” replied Aiden.

Richards lept at the ghost-like gourmet, who in an instant picked up a cake mixer and rushed the engineer.

Richards skittered backwards on the linoleum. “You’re fighting dirty, mister!”

“Leave me and my beloved to our cooking! I’m the only man who truly knows how to make her happy!”

“His casserole is the best!” Browning sighed, her eyes turning green.

“Don’t you see what he’s doing to you!” Richards cried, ducking Aiden’s stabbing blender. “He’s draining you of all your energy…through cooking!”

“The cous-cous is to DIE for!” protested Browning.

“You WILL die!” Richards cried, as Aiden slammed the mixer into his gut, knocking him to the floor.

“Nooooooo!” Browning grabbed the blender and bashed Aiden over the head with it. White vanilla milkshake stuff went everywhere.

Aiden stared, horrified, at the broken blender on the ground. “Dearest…you’ve killed me….” He tasted a bit of milkshake that had splashed on his face. “But you’ve done it deliciously.”

“Thanks,” muttered Browning.


The Original Star Traks in…

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan


Captain Rydell picked himself up off the deck of his smoldering bridge, coughing a few times to clear the smoke from his lungs.

“The captain of the Reliant is hailing us,” Lieutenant Carr said.

“Maybe he wants to apologize for accidentally blasting us to bits,” Sullivan muttered as she retook her seat at the helm.

Rydell straightened his uniform as the viewscreen image changed to show a wild-eyed older man with long white hair.

“What the hell was that for?” Rydell shouted.

“Hello again, Kirk, my old friend,” the man replied, his voice almost a reptilian hiss. “At long last I have…who are you?”

“Captain Alexander Rydell. USS Secondprize.”

“Secondprize?” The man turned to confer with a subordinate off screen. “I CAN SEE IT’S THE WRONG SHIP!!!”

“Hello?”

The man turned back to face Rydell sheepishly. “Wow. I’m really sorry about that. I feel like such an idiot.”

“Don’t mention it,” Rydell said. “You were looking for Admiral Kirk?”

“Yes. Do you know where he is?”

“Not right off hand, but would you like me to give him a message if I see him?”

“Yes, actually. That’s very nice of you. Tell him that Khan Noonian Singh is looking for him.”

“Right. And this would be about?”

“Horrible revenge.”

“Gotcha. I’ll let him know.”

“Very kind of you. Sorry about the bother. Goodbye.”

“So long,” Rydell said with a wave. The comm channel closed. “Hmm…nice guy other than the whole shooting the crap out of us thing.”

“Quite,” Jaroch said.

Rydell looked around the bridge for a second. “Anybody seen Dillon?”

“I am sure he is under the debris somewhere,” Jaroch replied.

“Oh well. We’ll dig him out later. Set a course for the nearest starbase. Maximum limp.”


Star Traks: The Vexed Generation in…

“Trials and Tribble-ations (DS9)”


J’hana looked worriedly up from tactical. “Captain, we’ve been transported 100 years into the past! And that guy we brought aboard from Cardassia just beamed over to Station K-7.”

“Shoot,” muttered Baxter, swiveling in the Explorer command chair.

“We’re being hailed…” J’hana said. “By the original Starship Enterprise.”

The antiquated, classic vessel hovered on the viewscreen.

“Damn I wish we had a cloaking device,” muttered Baxter. “On screen.”

James T. Kirk appeared on the viewscreen. “What in blazes kind of ship is that?”

“Galaxy class,” Baxter said. “U.S.S. Explorer. I’ve come from the future. Surely they’ve trained you to deal with this kind of thing at Starfleet Academy.”

“Just the other way around,” Kirk muttered.

“Well, long story short, we’re from 100 years in the future.”

“Lovely,” Kirk said. “Why are you here? To stop a devastating catastrophe?”

“I haven’t a clue.”

“Standards have gone down some in the future, have they?” Kirk asked.

Baxter looked at Conway, shrugged, then looked back at Kirk. “Yeah. Sorry.”


The Original Star Traks in…

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock


“So you see,” Captain Rydell explained as Jaroch sat on the bed of his room in the brig at spacedock. “Dillon transferred his Katra into you before he died. Now his body’s alive on Genesis, and we need to take his mind to him. That’s why you’ve been acting so strange.”

“But he is not even a Vulcan,” Jaroch said, confused.

“I know. He bought one of those You Can Transfer Your Katra At Home tapes at some point. Guess it worked. Who knew?”

“So I can either live with his mind in my body or go return him to the man he used to be?”

“That’s about the size of it.”

“Is there an Option C?”


Star Traks: The Vexed Generation in…

Star Trek: Generations


“I have located several life-signs,” Lt. Commander Larkin said, waving her tricorder over a cargo bay door as she and Peterman sifted through the wreckage of the Explorer’s saucer section.

“Commander, you never told me…” Peterman said. “How are you dealing with your newfound emotions?”

Larkin cocked her head. “I have experienced several distinct emotions since Mister Richards installed the chip in me.”

“Are you going to have the chip removed?”

“No. I have learned to control my emotions. They will not control me.” Larkin studied the door. “I am reading a plethora of indistinct species on the other side of this door. Allow me to open it.” Larkin then yanked a lever beside the cargo bay door, which promptly cranked open.

“MY BABIES!” Peterman screamed, just as a herd of assorted jungle and domesticated animals stampeded out and over Larkin.

Peterman bent down beside the fallen Larkin. “Are you okay?”

Larkin sat up and blinked. “Four of my servos have been smashed, and I am experiencing a forty-two percent loss in power efficiency. I am also experiencing a new emotion…I believe it is…extreme pain.”

“Sorry about that,” Peterman said, looking to her left to see the animals stampede down the corridor, leaving a trail of destruction in their paths.

“I do not understand. I am not sad, and yet I am crying. Is my emotion program malfunctioning?”

Peterman shrugged. “I think it’s working about right, Larkin.”


The Original Star Traks in…

“The Enemy Within (TOS)”


“I still don’t understand this,” Commander Dillon said as he, Jaroch, and a man who wasn’t quite Captain Rydell moved quickly through the corridors of Deck Seven.

Jaroch took a deep breath to control his growing frustration and tried once again to put the situation in terms that Dillon would grasp. “The transporter has split the captain into two individuals. This one has all of his good qualities. Compassion, kindness, etc.”

“Thank you, Jaroch; that’s really sweet of you to say. I just love all of you so much,” the nice Rydell replied sappily.

“Ewww,” Dillon said, backing away from this Rydell. “What about the other one?”

“He was spotted heading into Seven Backward. That is all we know; however, we can hypothesize that this other version of the captain will have Alexander Rydell’s more negative traits.”

“So that’s why we’re carrying the phasers.”

“Exactly,” Jaroch said as they approached the doors of Seven Backward. “We must be ready for anything.”

Phasers drawn, except for the good Rydell who was too busy counting off all the crewmembers he loved, the group cautiously entered the lounge.

“Hey, baby, all I want is a little sugar,” a voice suspiciously like the captain’s snarled as a young ensign fled past Dillon, Jaroch, and the good Rydell. They turned to locate the source of the voice, and there he was, standing on a makeshift stage and dressed in a powder blue, crushed velvet tuxedo holding a martini in one hand and a microphone in the other as ten to twenty cigarette smoldered in an ash tray on the table beside him.

“Oh dear GOD!” Dillon said. “What is it?”

“It is worse than I could have imagined,” Jaroch replied. “He is a Las Vegas lounge singer.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”


Star Traks: The Vexed Generation in…

“The Caretaker (VOY)”


“Captain,” Larkin reported from the Aerostar’s ops station. “The Caretaker array has stopped sending energy to the Ocampa homeworld.”

“And all I have to show for my trip across the galaxy is this stupid rock,” Baxter muttered, looking at the rock in his hand that used to be the Caretaker entity…before it shriveled up and died. “What the hell am I going to do with this? Use it as a paperweight?”

“If I may make a suggestion,” Commander Chakotay said, stepping over the dead body of Commander Conway, whom no one had bothered to remove. “I’d say we have a very short time to get out of here before the Kazon reinforcements get here. If you plan on using the Caretaker to get back to the Alpha Quadrant, the time to do that is now!”

Baxter glared at Chakotay. “What do you mean ‘If I plan?’ Of course I’m going to do that! You don’t expect me to strand us 70,000 light years from home!”

“Well…” said Chakotay.

“Larkin,” Baxter said, turning toward the android. “Signal the Caretaker doo-hickey. Get us home.”

Larkin nodded. “Aye, Captain.”

B’Elanna Torres shoved the dead body of Chris Richards out of the seat at the Aerostar’s engineering console. “We’re ready to go. And may I say you made the right choice, Captain. If you were at all attractive, I’d date you.”

Baxter frowned. “Thanks.”

Chakotay leaned toward Baxter. “Sir, I’m not one to follow Starfleet rules to the letter, but surely…if the Kazon get their hands on that array…”

“You’ve got a point,” Baxter said. “J’hana, leave behind a tri-cobalt device timed to go off as soon as we get tossed back to the good old Alpha Quadrant. That should take care of this whole mess, don’t you think?”

“Indeed,” said Chakotay, grinning.

“This Captaining stuff is way easier than they made it out to be at the academy,” Baxter said.