Close your eyes... repeat the mantra with us. Viacom is Q. Viacom owns Star Trek. Alan Decker is not Q. Alan owns Star Traks. MITGOGAE, uh, is a demi-Q. They own all things.... er, MITGOGAE related. You know who you are. And we thank you in advance for not suing.

Author: Alan Decker, Corinne Simpson
Copyright: 1998

Q’S HOW TO CAPTAIN EFFECTIVELY or THE UNBELIEVABLE MISADVENTURES OF VOYAGER AND HOW THEY WERE AT LAST SET STRAIGHT

By Corinne Simpson and Alan Decker



[Voyager, rather than heading straight home like a responsible Starfleet ship, cruises the Delta Quadrant looking for trouble.]


Tuvok: Sensors are picking up an unidentified energy nebula 2 light years to starboard. Janeway: Does it appear to have destructive capabilities? Tuvok: It appears to be several thousand times more powerful than we are. Janeway: Lay in a course to investigate! Tuvok: Perhaps you misunderstood… Janeway: We’re out here to explore, Tuvok! We’re Starfleet… we’re officers… we’re pioneers in a brave new land! Set a course. Tuvok: We could die. Janeway: Don’t make me call a Science Alert. Paris: Laying in a course. Kim: Is this the way home? Torres: Shut up. You are entirely without honor. Kim: Geez, ask a simple question… Torres: If this energy thingy blows the engine, I will be severely pissed. Janeway: Are we close enough to beam over yet? Chakotay: I do not recommend beaming over as our first initiative, captain. We don’t know a thing about this nebula! Kim: Maybe it’s the way home. Torres: I might have to hurt him. Seven: It’s a nebula. What would you beam over to? Chakotay: Don’t contradict the captain! Seven: But I was only… Janeway: Remove her from the bridge!


[Tuvok removes the Borg baggage from the bridge. (Ah… alliteration!)]


Kim: Are we there yet? Paris: Dangerous unknown nebula thingy on main viewer. Janeway: Excellent, Paris! Let’s talk to it. Kim: Captain, it’s a gas! Janeway: I don’t care how much fun it is, I want to talk to it. Paris: Nebula thingy is changing color. Chakotay: What does that mean? Janeway: Are you captain? Don’t ask pertinent questions! Paris, what does that mean? Paris: Do I look like Tuvok? Tuvok: (exiting Turbolift) You rang? Janeway: I want to talk to the nebula, but it’s changing colors. Tuvok: (noticing screen) Ah, it’s magenta. Kim: And olive green. Paris: It’s two-tone. Janeway: Artist Alert!


[Shipwide complimentary color lights begin to flash in a pleasing sequence as a musical chime sounds the Artist Alert.]


Janeway: (over intercom) Attention, ship’s artists! Run to the nearest window. Check out the nebulous entity. Do the colors magenta and olive green clash?


[Screams and gagging sounds are heard throughout the ship.]


Janeway: I guess so. Paris: The nebula is shooting at us. Chakotay: Shooting what? Paris: Purple light. Chakotay: What KIND of purple light? Paris: The bright kind. Tuvok: Direct hit on deck 14. Cappuccino lounge reporting in. Chakotay: Damage? Tuvok: None. But the entire lounge is now purple. Janeway: AAUUGH! Purple??? Paris: The nebula is shooting again. Yellow this time. Kim: More of a sunflower yellow. Torres: It looks lemony to me. Janeway: I don’t like unauthorized redecoration of my ship. Return fire! Tuvok: But captain, the nebula is not harming Voyager. Chakotay: You heard the captain! Shoot, dammit, shoot! Janeway: Blast their buns off!


*** WARNING: UNAUTHORIZED INTERGALACTIC INTERVENTION ***


[Q suddenly appears on the Voyager bridge in a brilliant flash of white light. The crew gasps in awe and covers their eyes. Q is dressed in a long coat of many colors. You MIGHT even call it a Technicolor Dream Coat… an AMAZING Technicolor Dream Coat. But you would be risking copyright infringement if you did, which is something we avoid like the plague. So there’s Q in his multi-colored coat, and he looks some upset.]


Q: Morons, all! Janeway: Excuse me? Q: There is no excuse for you. Janeway: Remove him from my bridge! Tuvok: He’s Q. Janeway: I don’t care if he’s the Great Bird, I said remove him.


[Tuvok attempts. Fails.]


Q: I’m wounded! Jean-Luc NEVER tried to remove me. Janeway: I’m not Jean-Luc! Q: I get that a lot. (spins in place) Like my coat? Janeway: It clashes. (to Tuvok) Continue firing sequence! Q: That’s your solution? No wonder this is taking so long. Jean-Luc would have had this little nebula thing wrapped up hours ago. Janeway: Well Picard’s not here. I am. Q: I rest my case. Which is why I’m presenting your unfortunate dimwitted crew with a gift. Kim: The way home? Q: The way to achieve great things using your brains. I call it thought. Witness Exhibit A!


[Q snaps his fingers and Jean-Luc Picard appears on the Voyager bridge.]


Picard: Dammit, Q! Q: Always ‘Dammit, Q’ or ‘End this, Q’ or ‘Go away, Q’. What about ‘Hi Q’ ‘Nice to see you, Q!’ ‘Come back to bed, Q”… Picard: Q! Q: … oh wait, Beverly did say that once… Picard: Q! End this now!! Q: Just checking. Picard: Send me home this instant. Kim: Me too! Me too! Q: Quiet Toto. You and Dorothy are sticking around awhile. Picard: This isn’t a joke Q! Janeway: He’s very argumentative. And you like him better than me? Q: I admit he doesn’t have your body, but his voice is ever so much more resonant. Chakotay: Why is he here? Q: Ever the practical one, aren’t you? Nice tattoos, Chuckles. Picard: Q!!! (pause) Where am I? Q: Jean-Luc, you’re here on Voyager to display your overrated human intelligence to these lost souls. Picard: Voyager? But we got rid of… er, but they’re missing. Janeway: We don’t need his help. Paris: The Mess Hall is reporting an insurgence of navy blue, captain. And Engineering is pink. Torres: This means war! Janeway: Open fire! Picard: What’s going on? Q: That’s right, Jean-Luc! Get to the heart of it! Give one of your stirring literary speeches! Picard: It was a simple question. Q: Wait! I’ll give you the proper setting.


[Q snaps his fingers and the Voyager bridge disappears to be replaced by the Enterprise bridge. The Voyager crew stands around looking dazed while Picard sits with authority in his chair. Moments later the Enterprise crew flashes into place. There is a great commotion of confused chatter and warm greetings amongst the Enterprise officers.]


Picard: Number One! Will: Captain! Deanna: Jean-Luc! Worf: Q! Q: Rockhead! Beverly: Sugarmuffin! Picard: Not on the bridge. Deanna: Will! Will: Q? Picard: Data! Data: Wesley! All: AAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! Data: (points to Kim) My mistake. Q: This has been lovely. (Wipes tears from his eyes) It’s good to have friends. Janeway: What have you done with my ship? Beverly: Who’s the hussy with the nasal voice? Picard: She’s Captain Janeway of the Voyager. Riker: Voyager? But I thought we got rid of… Picard: Number One! Riker: …er, but they’re missing! Kim: Are you from home? Chakotay: Hush, papoose. Paris: (leering at Deanna) Who’s the babe in the bunny suit? Riker: Hey! Deanna: I am ship’s counselor Deanna Troi. Beverly: Also known as Human Mood Ring. Deanna: Just because the Blonde’s not here…. Riker: Oooh… the Blonde! Q: Let’s get back to the business at hand, shall we, kids? Picard: Yes, let’s. Why have you brought us here? Janeway: And where’s my ship? Q: Questions, questions. What do you think this is? Q and A? All: (groan) Q: If I’m not going to be appreciated, I’ll leave. Picard: That’s the trick? Q: If being stuck on a ship with UPN’s secret ratings weapon for the rest of time doesn’t scare you… Picard: I take it back. Q: Here’s the situation. Voyager is useless and her captain is intolerable. Enterprise is cool and her captain is bald. There is an unknown nebula redecorating as we speak. Picard, beloved crew… go!


[Q disappears. Everyone looks confused. There is a tense silence on the crowded bridge. Geordi breaks it with his one line for the episode.]


Geordi: I guess you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here today…. Picard: Worf, why don’t you take Mr. LaForge for his walk now? Worf: Let’s go, Laser Eyes.


[Geordi and Worf exit the bridge. They take the turbolift to Deck 8 and stroll down to Holodeck 3. As they approach the doors, Worf frowns at the display panel.]


Worf: Hmm. It’s in use.


[Geordi says nothing. (He can’t. His line is over.) Worf understands anyways. Worf has a sensitive empathic side when he really wants to. His friends call him Pussywillow. Ok, one guy once called him Pussywillow but he’s dead now. Worf glowers at the narrator. The narrator relents. Nobody ever has called Worf Pussywillow and he’s not sensitive. He just read the script.]


Worf: Let’s just barge right on in. Geordi: (nods)


[They barge right on in… to a smoky nightclub circa 1940. Seven of Nine is onstage in a slinky low-cut evening gown sure to bring in that teen male demographic UPN is so fond of catering to. (This, by the way, has nothing to do with the nebula.) Geordi and Worf stand at the bar and look casual as Seven steps up to the microphone and begins to sing in an alluring monotone.]


Seven: That old black magic has me in it’s spell

that old black magic that you weave so well

those icy fingers up and down my spine

the same old witchcraft when your…


[Three forms glimmer into existence directly in front of the stage. Worf recognizes them from the last parody. (Insert authors’ shameless plug for previous installment here.)]


Worf: The chiefs from the MITGOGAE Entity! Geordi: (nods)


[The Blonde stands with her arms around the glowing figures of Chief 1 and Chief 2. Chief 1 crosses his arms and looks adorably put out. Chief 2 taps his foot impatiently on the floor and looks charmingly upset. The Blonde steps forward.]


Blonde: You have offended the MITGOGAE Entity. Seven: Offense is irrelevant. Blonde: We don’t think so. Seven: Your thoughts are irrelevant. CHIEF 1: She’s sexy but shockingly obstinate. CHIEF 2: She must be punished. Seven: You can not punish me for Holodeck use. Blonde: Really. CHIEF 2: How about for bad singing? Blonde: Bad singing of a sacred song. CHIEF 1: You get her, babe! Seven: You are irrelevant, blonde female. Blonde: Spandex bitch! Seven: Prepare for assimilation. Blonde: As if. Worf: (to Geordi) This IS a good day for a walk.


[The Blonde leaps at Seven and they tumble to the stage in a tangle of shapely limbs and golden hair. The holodeck crowd goes wild. Geordi stands on a chair for a better view. The Chiefs cheer and applaud every punch thrown by the Blonde. Seven throws the Blonde over her shoulder to the floor. The Blonde recovers with a foot in Seven’s stomach that sends her into the wall. The tangle of limbs resumes with the Blonde swiftly gaining the upper hand. The fight is over as suddenly as it began. The Blonde stumbles off the stage into the waiting arms of the Chiefs. They congratulate her and all three glare at Seven where she lays in a bloody heap on the stage.]


Blonde: Do not disrespect the MITGOGAE Entity. Seven: (mumbling) Mommy? Blonde: Resistance is futile. Seven: (faints) Blonde: Borg hussy.


[The Chiefs and the Blonde disappear in a shimmer of light. Worf looks over at Geordi and they wordlessly exit the Holodeck.]


Worf: I think the walk is over now.


[Geordi and Worf return to the bridge. Nothing has changed since they left. This is known as the advantage of editing. Gratuitous catfight scenes can take place without disturbing the flow of the plot. Action on the bridge resumes as if taken off “pause”.]


Picard: What exactly is the situation here? Kim: That big gas… Data: It’s funny? Picard: Hush. Tuvok: Ensign Kim is referring to the gaseous nebula attacking the ship. Picard: Attacking? Riker: Sickbay is reporting a sudden color change, captain. Beverly: My Sickbay? Picard: MY Sickbay. Beverly: Your ship. Sickbay is mine, buster. Picard: I love it when you’re tough. Beverly: Tonight I’ll be the cop then. Picard: We’ll discuss it later. Q: (reappears midair) No wait, I love it when she uses the nightstick! Picard: Q!! Q: Later, lovebug. (vanishes) Beverly: What about Sickbay? Data: It’s green. Beverly: What do you mean green? Riker: That’s obscene! Deanna: It must be a dream. Picard: Can we end this scene? Janeway: What do you mean? Picard: I’m going to scream. Beverly: WHY IS MY SICKBAY GREEN?? Deanna: Calm down, we’ll work as a team. Riker: It’s orange now. Picard: Thank you. Beverly: What’s causing this? Data: Dr. Seuss. Beverly: The COLORS, dammit! Kim: It’s the nebula. This would never happen at home. Riker: Does he ever shut up about that? Torres: Never. Picard: Let me get this straight. A nebula of unknown origin is changing the ship’s colors with electromagnetic pulses and you don’t know what to do. Correct? Janeway: I know exactly what to do. (to Tuvok) Open fire! Picard: This isn’t your ship. Janeway: Well I’d suggest you start powering up the weapons, captain. Picard: If, like you, I were to rush impulsively into the first thought that entered my feeble brain, yes… I might. But I’d rather quote Shakespeare. Paris: Does he do this often? Riker: Only once an episode. Twice in features. Picard: “A horse, a horse. My kingdom for a horse!” Janeway: What does THAT mean? Deanna: Just nod and clap. Enterprise Crew: (nod and applaud warmly)


[The bridge turns a beautiful shade of violet.]


Picard: Well, I guess it’s high time we solve this thing. Crew, pull together now. Observations? Mr. Worf? Worf: No weapon systems detected in the nebula, captain. Picard: Good. Mr. Data? Data: The electromagnetic pulses appear to be part of a greater energy system consistent with sentient life. Picard: I see. Doctor? Beverly: (reading tricorder) The crew has suffered no adverse health effects from the color changing phenomenon. Picard: Excellent. Counselor? Deanna: I am sensing playfulness from the nebula, captain. Almost childlike in its emotion. Picard: I suspected as much. Geordi, are the engines affected? Geordi: (shakes his head ‘no’) Picard: Right. Number One? Riker: Posing dramatically, sir. Picard: Very good. Well I think this is pretty clear cut. Janeway: Yes. Start shooting! Picard: (with a disgusted look) I think not. Mr. Worf, open a channel. Janeway: We were going to do that! Really we were! But it attacked us! Picard: Attacked you. Janeway: It shot color at us! Picard: Uh huh. Step aside, amateur. Worf: Channel open, captain. Picard: (to Janeway) Watch and learn. (addressing nebulous entity) Greetings. I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship blah blah blah….


[…Needless to say Picard successfully communicates with the nebula and does not anger it into “attacking” his ship… unlike some other captains we could mention. (ahem) After some pleasant conversation, a rainbow light show in the arboretum, and a rousing singalong, the nebula is on it’s merry way. Picard is about to address his loyal crew when Q reappears with trumpet fanfare and fireworks visible in the bridge skylight.]


Q: Congratulations, Jean-Luc darling! You did it again! You were FABULOUS… simply FABULOUS!! Janeway: What’d he do? Q: You just don’t get it, do you? Maybe this will help…


[Music blares across the bridge and Picard holds his head wearily.]


Q: (singing) [to the tune of the Friends theme song “I’ll Be There For You” by the Rembrandts]

I brought Jean-Luc to show you how to save the day

He always gets the job done doing it his way

You can’t shoot everything in sight, my dear

Keep it up Janeway, your show and crew won’t make it through the year


But he can still help you

(even though your plots blow)

He can still help you

(but that Borg’s gotta go)

He can still help you

‘cause you don’t have a clue


This color changing really wasn’t such a threat

You just want to shoot the things you haven’t met

Your every script is penned by chimps, you know

But if you listen to Picard and friends you just might save this show


Crew: (singing loudly to drown out Q)

But will you just go, Q

(we can show you the door)

Will you just go, Q

(we’ve been through this before)

Will you just go, Q

like we’re begging you to


Q: Fine, I can take a hint.


[Q snaps his fingers and everything returns to the way it was before… Voyager and her crew are back in the empty vista of the Delta Quadrant cruising for trouble. The Enterprise and her fearless crew of dedicated heroes are nowhere to be seen. If Voyager has learned anything from this little outing, we should now see a very different Captain Janeway at the helm.]


Janeway: (looking around at her crew) So. Are we firing yet? Tuvok: Captain. It’s gone. Janeway: Damn.


[Thus ends the morality play of Janeway and the Amazing Technicolor Nebula. Thank you for reading].



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