Author: Alan Decker, Corinne Simpson
or THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE ADVENTURES OF THE SECONDPRIZE IN DEEP SPACE WITH THE ENTERPRISE CREW
By Corinne Simpson and Alan Decker
[The Enterprise and the Secondprize hang face to face in space.]
Rydell: We meet again, captain! Picard: So we do. Riker: Why are you wasting time with this loser? Picard: You’d better not be referring to me. Rydell: (Sigh) I think he means me. Picard: Aren’t you over that yet? Deanna: I sense bottled hostility. Rydell: How mature. Riker: Look who’s talking. Rydell: You need to learn to take a joke, Will! Riker: You need to learn to butt out of… Deanna: BOYS!! Jaroch: That would be the most appropriate rank I’ve yet heard. Rydell: Stay out of this Jaroch. Worf: J’Ter? Jaroch: Not at the moment. Worf: Still, it is an honor to meet you. Such a great warrior deserves a better ship. Jaroch: Now you’re talking. Picard: COULD WE?? Rydell: Right. What does bring you to our little corner of space, captain? Picard: A favor. Dillon: You’re doing us a favor? Rydell: He’s on loan from the zoo. Just ignore him. Data: Captain, we now have 7 minutes remaining. Dillon: Till what? Riker: Till we’re history. Hawkins: Battle? Worf: I wish. Sullivan: Gee, Patricia, a soulmate! Rydell: Uh, I hate to seem intrusive, but what exactly happens in 7 minutes? Picard: Perhaps Lieutenant LaForge should explain. Geordi: Love to, babe! Ok. Our warp core reversed polarity and the plasma inductor regulation system backlogged so that the coil will overheat and blow the core singularity in a chain reaction of plasma fires that is totally irreversible. Rydell: And in english that would mean… Geordi: We be f**ked. Rydell: Ah. Jaroch: Have you drained the coil chamber? Geordi: Yup. Jaroch: Repressurized the warp pulse relayor? Geordi: Done it. Jaroch: Polarized the core manually? Geordi: You bet. Rydell: So it’s fixable? Jaroch: Nope. They be f**ked. Dillon: This is certainly un-protocol language. A crisis is no excuse for vulgarity. Geordi: The ensuing explosion relays would destroy the Secondprize as well. Dillon: Sh**! Rydell: How can we help? Picard: You can’t. Hawkins: But you said… Dillon: My head hurts. Riker: I still don’t think we need HIS help, captain. Picard: You have a better idea, Number One? Riker: Well…. Picard: I’m waiting! Riker: Uh… Picard: Exactly. Data: 5 minutes, 24 seconds remaining. Rydell: Again, I hate to intrude, but… Picard: We need the Secondprize to create an anti-time polarity field to stop our engine explosion and give us the time we need to find a solution to the problem. Jaroch: You want us to stall for you? Picard: Essentially yes. Rydell: Sounds fascinating. We’d be happy to. One small problem, though. Picard: Which would be? Rydell: How in hell do you create an anti-time thingy? Data: Simple. You reverse the flow of neutrons to the core pulse emittor with a… Picard: Too long to explain. We’ll beam Data over.
[Data appears on the Secondprize bridge in a shimmer of molecules.]
Data: This is a primitive bridge design. Dillon: What are you saying? Picard: Data, get busy! Data: Right. Could I have a hand at Ops? Rydell: We don’t have Ops. Data: (pointing) This console then. Jaroch: I would be happy to help you.
[They fiddle with wires and debate physics equations and punch codes into the console. Three minutes later…]
Data: Done. Jaroch: Are you sure the blue wire goes with the orange one? Data: No. Dillon: Well be sure! Be sure! Sullivan: Like it makes a difference. They’re wrong, we blow up. They’re right, we blow up. Rydell: That’s the spirit. Picard: All set, then? Data: Yes sir. Rydell: One question? Picard: Make it snappy. Rydell: If you stop time, how will you be able to solve the mystery since we’ll all be stopped along with it? Jaroch: As if now is the time for logic. Riker: It’s far too complicated to explain to YOU, Rydell. Deanna: Plus, he doesn’t know. Picard: Writer’s loophole. There’s one every episode. Don’t bother about it. Rydell: Ok then. It’s your party. Picard: Data, initiate anti-time polarity field. Data: Aye sir.
[A tense silence descends on both bridges as Data enters a command into the console. Several minutes pass. Nothing happens.]
Dillon: That’s it? Picard: We’re still here, aren’t we? Jaroch: Captain, all engines and support systems are frozen. Nothing is responding. Riker: Same here. Picard: It worked perfectly. Deanna: And how is it that everything is stopped except us? Picard: What did I say? Writer’s loophole. Something to do with plot curve and ratings. Not our concern. Rydell: Well, now that we have no working systems on either ship, what’s your plan? Picard: The human element is always the strongest, in my experience. Rydell: Meaning that you’re relying on our stunning thought power to get you out of this mess? Picard: Something like that. Sullivan: I hate to burst your bubble, but…. Dillon: Are we going to die? Jaroch: Not just yet. Dillon: What a relief. Jaroch: But the anti-time polarity field only lasts for an hour. Dillon: What?! Data: With commercials and credits, we only have 40 minutes left anyhow. So it’s perfect. Rydell: What’s the plan, Captain Picard? Picard: We have to locate the MITGOGAE Entity. Rydell: The excuse me? Picard: The MITGOGAE Entity. Dillon: Is that Klingon? Worf: I’ve never been so insulted. Deanna: It’s an acronym. Dillon: Like blew and blue? Jaroch: More like NASA. Dillon: What does history have to do with this? Hawkins: What’s it an acronym for? Deanna: Search us. Picard: They’re not big on explanations, really. Rydell: Who’s not? Picard: The beings who dwell in the Entity. Hawkins: This Entity. Is it evil? Worf: If you’re hoping for a chance for battle, forget it. This Entity is entirely without warrior honor. Hawkins: Raw deal. Rydell: How will this… what’s it called? Picard: The MITGOGAE Entity. Rydell: What you said. How will it help us? Riker: They’re kind of behind everything that’s happened to us lately. Sullivan: Are they Q? Deanna: Insult! They’re deities! They’re a thousand times better than Q! Beverly: (exiting Turbolift) Deanna has a bit of a thing for two of the chiefs. Rydell: What chiefs? Picard: The leaders of the Entity. Rydell: And these chiefs have the answer to your engine problem? Picard: Most likely. Rydell: So how do we find them without sensors? Picard: That’s where your crew fits in. How’s your 20th Century film knowledge? Rydell: Uh, pretty good. Picard: Great! Then all you have to do is start a discussion on your favorite movies and the Entity will come to us! Dillon: Why? Riker: Because the Blonde is the goddess of film lore. Dillon: Blonde? What Blonde? Riker: THE Blonde. Beverly: Some hussy who does PR for the Entity chiefs. Deanna: Beverly’s jealous. Picard: Could we concentrate on the task at hand here? Rydell: Right. Movie talk. Ok. Sullivan? Sullivan: I loved Titanic. Data: Warning!! Picard: NO! NO! Anything BUT Titanic! Sullivan: Well EXCUSE me! Hawkins: I liked Con Air. It was violent and unrealistic and a lot of people died in it. Worf: I like the sounds of that! Sullivan: It also had an underlying romance to it. Sort of a love beats all theme. Dillon: I always wanted to be Indiana Jones. ‘Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?’ Jaroch: What’s a snake? Data: Much like Q only thinner and incapable of speech. Rydell: I liked Star Wars. What a visionary George Lucas was! Picard: This is good. Keep it up. Mention actors too. Dillon: ‘Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?’ Hawkins: Who was the killer in Con Air? Sullivan: John Malkovich. Hawkins: I bet he’d slaughter clowns without remorse. Sullivan: Excuse me? Hawkins: Nothing. Rydell: Tom Hanks was a good actor. Sullivan: Wasn’t he in that forest movie? Rydell: Forrest Gump. Sullivan: So it wasn’t about a forest? Rydell: It was about a man. Hawkins: A violent man? Worf: An honorable man? Rydell: A sort of half-wit lucky man. Deanna: It was about Will! Riker: Hey!
[There is a sudden crackling of the Secondprize viewscreen. The view of the Enterprise bridge vanishes and a vista of stars takes it’s place. The bridge crew of the Enterprise suddenly materializes on the Secondprize bridge looking confused. The viewscreen of stars is then replaced by the image of a lovely young blonde woman. The blonde woman smiles. ]
Riker: (in awe) The Blonde! Dillon: Wow. Blonde: Hi gang! Long time no see. Picard: Why are we on this ship? Blonde: The better to see you, my dear. Picard: What have you done to our engine core? Blonde: Excuse me? Picard: You heard me. Blonde: I meant, do I look like the type of girl who knows much about engine cores? Beverly: (under her breath) Do you look like the type who knows anything at all? Blonde: I heard that, hussy. Beverly: Bit… Picard: Ahem! What is causing our engine failure then? Blonde: Well, there is an explanation for that. Picard: And it would be… Blonde: First, introduce me to your friends. Riker: Naturally! How rude of us to forget that. Crew of the Secondprize, the Blonde. Goddess, the crew of the Secondprize. Blonde: A pleasure. Dillon: The pleasure is mine. Rydell: How did you find us? Blonde: Movies are my business. Hawkins: Why? Blonde: Why not? Picard: The issue is what to do about our engine core. Blonde: That’s your problem. Picard: Not if you have the answer. Blonde: You have to stop calling on us like this. We have things to do, you know. Beverly: A call girl’s work is never done. Blonde: You insolent slut! Beverly: This, from you, is rich. Blonde: I’m not the one fantasizing about her captain. Beverly: You bitch! Deanna: Get a grip, Beverly. It’s not exactly a secret. Picard: This is all very fascinating, but… Rydell: … we would like to solve this nagging explosion problem sometime in this hour. Blonde: So solve it. Picard: Apparently we need your help. Blonde: The MITGOGAE Entity denies involvement. Picard: And off the record? Blonde: Someone on board your ship is being punished for a generational mishap. Data: You are trying to kill them? Blonde: Not me. The Entity. The chiefs are pissed off. And rightfully so, may I add. Riker: But why? Blonde: It would appear that generations ago one of your crew members’ ancestors was president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences the year Titanic won for Best Picture. Picard: Uh oh… Deanna: How does that affect the Entity? I thought you were the goddess of ALL movies. Blonde: Technically yes. But my first duty is to the chiefs. Picard: And they were also nominated? Blonde: They were snubbed. And so was one of their films. The other was nominated but didn’t win. Rydell: The chiefs are movie producers? Blonde: The chiefs are all powerful. That’s all you need to know. Picard: And they’re angry at the snub all these years later? Blonde: Slow to anger, quick to act. Plus, today is the three hundredth anniversary of the fateful day. Deanna: But it’s not fair to punish someone for the crimes of their ancestors. Rydell: Dubious crimes at that. Blonde: This isn’t my call, I told you. It’s the Entity. Jaroch: Well if the Entity wants to punish one crew member, it’s hardly fair to blow up two ships in the process. Rydell: My thoughts exactly. Picard: I’m not willing to sacrifice even ONE crew member to this ridiculous vengeance. Blonde: Strong words from the man who slaughtered countless Borg in the First Contact vengeance sweep. Picard: I was justified. Blonde: Quoting Herman Melville justified you? Rydell: Either way, you can’t blow up two ships over an ancient movie award. Blonde: The chiefs are set. Rydell: We’ll see about that. Let me talk to them. Blonde: They don’t do interviews. Data: It would not be an interview. Jaroch: It would be interstellar politicking. Blonde: They have no interest in politics. Dillon: How about in pleas for mercy? Rydell: Don’t start whining, Dillon. We’re in enough trouble as it is. Baird: (over the comm system) Engineering to bridge. Rydell: What is it, Commander? Baird: The anti-time bubble is starting to f**k up my matter-antimatter intermix ratios. Have you fixed the problem of the week yet? Picard: You let your chief engineer talk to you like that? Sullivan: We tried a muzzle, but he bit through it. Baird: I heard that, bitch! Sullivan: I love you, too, hon. Blonde: You guys can get back to adoring me and begging for my help any time now. Beverly: Looks like they found a more interesting subject. Of course, carpet lint would be… Blonde: Don’t make me come through this viewscreen. Beverly: I’d like to see you try. Riker and Worf: So would I! Beverly: I expect that from Will, but you Worf? Worf: I love a good catfight. Picard: Okay everyone. That’s enough. We’ve got work to do. Baird: Captain, this MITGOGAE thing is mad at baldy and friends, right? Picard: Watch it. I can court-martial you for insubordination. Baird: Yeah. Bite me. Now then, it’s their problem, right? Rydell: Technically yes. Baird: And we’re saving their asses right now, right? Dillon: True! Ask me another one! Baird: Somebody do something painful to him.
[Hawkins, Sullivan, and Worf each take turns pummeling Dillon. Worf is incredibly aroused by Hawkins’ roundhouse technique.]
Worf: I would be honored to take you to dinner and challenge you to single combat. Deanna: I thought you loved me! Hawkins: But can you smash bricks with your bare fist? Worf: You are a goddess. Blonde: Hey! I’m the only goddess around here! Baird: Could I please finish my f**king thought here? Riker: I’m surprised he has them. Baird: And I’m surprised you’ve got opposable thumbs, amoebae brain. Now then, this whole mess is their problem and we’re protecting them, right? Jaroch: For the one hundred and twelfth time, yes. Baird: Then f**k ‘em. Let’s get out of here. Rydell: That ain’t very Starfleet. Sullivan: And you’re surprised by this? Picard: We must not allow this entity to hold an entire ship responsible for the actions of someone years and years ago. This Federation is founded on the principles of… Beverly: Oh hell. Speech time. Deanna: At least he isn’t doing his summer stock production of Moby Dick again. Blonde: Aren’t you guys the least bit curious about who the chiefs are mad at? Dillon: Look, you tell those Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil obsessed twits to lay off and get the hell out of Federation space!
[Lights dim across the Secondprize as a low, ominous rumbling fills the air. The ship suddenly rocks violently, tossing everyone to the floor.]
Blonde: You have spoken the sacred words! Rydell: Way to go, Dil-man! Jaroch: How did you know? Dillon: Know what? Jaroch: What MITGOGAE is, you twit! Dillon: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. 1997. Directed by Clint Eastwood. Starring John Cusack and Kevin Spacey. I thought it was obvious.
[The ship rocks again. A dense fog drifts in from out of nowhere as the lights flash.]
Blonde: The infidel knows the chiefs’ true names! Woe to us all! Beverly: Damn, she’s melodramatic. Rydell: Oh boy. This does not sound good. Dillon: What’d I do? Jaroch: What you always do. Take a bad situation and make it thousands of times worse. Picard: I think we should be going. Worf: And miss the chance to battle deities? Riker: You can stay if you want. I’m outta here. Deanna: Sounds like your standard operating procedure. Riker: Is that a crack about my sexual prowess? Picard: Can we skip the Dating Game rerun? We could all die here. CHIEF1:Who dares invoke our sacred names?
[Everyone points at Dillon.]
Everyone: He did! Dillon: Thanks for the support guys. Picard: Greetings, Chiefs. I am Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. I’d do the other introductions, but they’d take the rest of the episode. CHIEF2: We know who you are and what you have done. CHIEF1: And what you did last summer. CHIEF2: I thought we agreed no bad movie jokes. CHIEF1: Sorry. Picard: Hey. I’m doing my diplomatic schtick over here. Riker: Should I talk to them? Worf: Should I shoot them? Dillon: Are you guys going to kill me? CHIEF1: No. You are the first person in hundreds of years to figure out our true identities. You win the door prize. Blonde: Dammit! That was mine! CHIEF2: Sorry, babe. Dillon: What do I get? CHIEF1: The MITGOGAE Soundtrack album. CHIEF2: Plus, I perform live. (Singing) That old black magic…
[The Blonde swoons.]
Dillon: Cool! Picard: Uh…I hate to interrupt, but are you still going to destroy my ship? CHIEF1: The Oscar Incident must be avenged. Data: Captain, perhaps we could slingshot around the nearest sun, travel back in time, infiltrate the MPAA, and change the nominations and the votes so that Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil wins. Picard: No. We cannot meddle with history…even if it would prevent those unfortunate four years of President Cameron and Vice President DiCaprio. CHIEF2: We must be appeased. Bring us the responsible party. Picard: It’s Geordi, isn’t it? CHIEFS: YES!!! Data: How did you deduce that, sir? Picard: He hasn’t had anything else to do this episode. Picard to Enterprise. Geordi: LaForge here. Picard: See. He even knew the hail was for him. Geordi, could you beam over here please? Geordi: On my way.
[Geordi sparkles into existence.]
CHIEFS: EVIL!!! Geordi: What? Riker: These nice disembodied voices would like to have a word with you. Geordi: I’m so glad I showed up. Blonde: You have greatly angered the MITGOGAE entity. Vengeance must be taken. Prepare to suffer.
[Geordi curls up into a little whimpering ball on the carpet as he prepares for the worst.]
Rydell: Wait a minute! We can straighten all of this out without anyone being hurt. Everyone: We can? Geordi: Thank the great bird.
[Cut to the inside of Shrine Auditorium…a holodeck version of it anyway. The audience is filled with various 20th century movie stars as well as the crews of the Enterprise and the Secondprize. The Blonde sits between two glowing energy masses. Slowly, the energy masses resolve themselves into two men dressed impeccably in tuxedos. John Cusack and Kevin Spacey have arrived. The auditorium dims.]
Picard: This had better work. Rydell: Trust me. I know what I’m doing.
[The stage lights go up, and Billy Crystal is pulled onto the stage in an elegant horse-drawn carriage. He leaps out of it and takes center stage as the crowd applauds wildly.]
Billy: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone and welcome to this very special Oscar night. For once, this show is going to be shorter than the film it’s honoring and less painful than a Klingon bachelor party. Let’s get right to it.
[The familiar opening Oscar music starts in the background.]
Billy: (singing) It’s a very special night for Oscar. Oscar! Oscar!
(spoken) The only nominee tonight is…
(singing) [To the tune of That Old Black Magic.]
That old MITGOGAE has me in it’s spell
That old MITGOGAE we all think’s so swell
Kev and John are looking really fine
Oscar’s theirs tonight and it’s damn well time
The Oscar’s waiting, but we shouldn’t hide
The film’s story about a guy who died
And off to court Jim goes
John meets some psychos
And a chick who’s really a guy
Eastwood’s daughter’s here, and she can sing too
The whole town’s fun
They carry guns
They’re nuts, and bug guy’s mad as a hatter
If he gets pissed, pissed, pissed, he poisons the water
Now it’s Oscar we’ve been waiting for
Short and sweet. Real brief, not some three hour bore
So ends my line, it’s Oscar time
Darlin’, MITGOGAE’s quite a show
It’s the film to know
We’re loving that film Kevin’s in
Come see that old MITGOGAE tonight!
[The audience bursts into wild applause and Billy finishes his number.]
Billy: Thank you. Now, to present the first award, I’m proud to introduce the current president (by default) of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Lieutenant Geordi LaForge.
[Geordi nervously walks onstage followed by two gorgeous Oscar bimbos, one carrying the statue and one carrying the envelope.]
Geordi: Uhh…thanks…we’re here tonight to honor…a historic film.
[Geordi’s eyes keep moving back and forth between the women on either side of him. Finally, he just tries to focus on the teleprompter in front of him.]
Geordi: When it was released originally in 1997, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil barely created a ripple either with critics or at the box office. However, with years of hindsight, we can see our mistake. Of course, even Orson Welles’ masterpiece Citizen Kane was treated this way. It took years for that film to be accepted as well. Rydell: Dillon, how long of a speech did you write for him? Dillon: I wanted to establish context. It’s only a few more pages. Rydell: (shouting) Skip to the good part. Geordi: What good part?
[Geordi’s frazzled mind can’t take anymore. He turns to the Oscar bimbos, his eyes glazing over.]
Geordi: La la la. Nice lady. Deanna: He’s snapped. Run ladies! Run for your lives!
Geordi, who has now transformed into a drooling hormone ball, pounces towards one of the bimbos, who just barely manages to dodge him. Geordi chases the women off stage.
Rydell: What kind of a ship are you running, Picard? Picard: That’s an odd question coming from you. Blonde: The Chiefs demand that the awards continue. Rydell: Yeah. Yeah. Keep your dress on. Riker: You don’t have to really.
[Deanna smacks Riker as Rydell makes his way to the stage and picks up the envelope dropped by one of the fleeing bimbos.]
Rydell: You guys want to get this over with fast? Everyone: Hell yes!!! Rydell: Fine. Bring them all out.
[An Oscar lackey pushes a wheelbarrow full of Oscars onto the stage.]
Rydell: Here we go. You guys won them all. Best Actor. Best Supporting Actor. Best Screenplay. Best Score. Best Song. Best Director…
[Clint Eastwood shimmers into existence behind Rydell and snatches the directing Oscar away from him.]
Clint: I’ll take that.
Dillon: What the hell? Jaroch: Considering all that has happened today, I suggest that you just accept it. Rydell: And, finishing up, you got Best Picture. Come up here and give a speech. Blonde: I just can’t believe it!!! My boys won!
[John and Kevin gracefully walk up to the stage, their combined looks and smiles sending most of the women in the room into a swoon.]
Baird: Oh, get the f**k over it. Sullivan: Jealous, dear? Baird: Shut up. John: Wow. Thank you. This is incredible. Kevin: There are so many people we need to thank. John: First, Clint for directing and then…
[John and Kevin begin thanking every lifeform they’ve ever encountered.]
Picard: How long are we going to let them go on? Rydell: Don’t worry. The closing credits should be cutting them off right about…now.
[Join us again next time for another exciting episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation…or is it Star Traks? Who the hell knows? I don’t. I don’t really care either. Good night.]