Anyone who doesn't realize Star Trek belongs to Viacom is stupid. Alan Decker was probably stupid for creating Star Traks. There was supposed to be more after that, but I forgot it.

Author: Alan Decker
Copyright: 1995

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is the script for the aborted sequel to Star Traks: Refresher Course. Actually, it’s more like another episode than a sequel. Unfortunately, we never got the time to film it. It’s too bad because I think this one would have been a lot of fun.


Star Traks

“A Serious Case of the Stupids-THE SCRIPT”

By Alan Decker



FADE IN.


INT. OFFICE - DAY Two NETWORK EXECS are seated at a table looking at a script.


EXEC #1 Well, I like the script, but it just seems like there’s something missing.


EXEC #2 What do you mean? It has all the basic Star Traks elements: comedy, stupidity… uh…comedy.


EXEC #1 Yes, but there’s no danger. It needs…a villain!


Exec #1 presses a button on an intercom panel.


EXEC #1 Props, this is Davis. Send us up a villain.


He turns to Exec #2.


EXEC #1 Just wait until you see this.


There is a knock at the door. A lackey opens the door and pushes in a box with villain written in big letters on the side. The lackey opens the box, and Secko comes out of it.


SECKO I’ll kill them. I’ll kill them all. I’ll cause pain, death, maiming, carnage, mutilation! Evil! Evil!


Secko starts laughing maniacally. The lackey beats Secko back into the box.


EXEC #2 He’s perfect.


EXEC #1 Get him down to the set.


OPENING CREDITS – Ship fly-bys.


RYDELL (V.O.) Space…there’s a lot of it out there. These are the voyages of the starship Secondprize. It’s seemingly never-ending mission – to explore cheap sets, to make the best of tired jokes and lame dialogue, to stupidly throw our acting careers out the door.


MAIN TITLES


EXT. SPACE The Secondprize orbits a planet.


RYDELL Captain’s log. Stardate 49752.0. The Secondprize has arrived at Bytellus Three to help with a medical emergency. Admiral Wagner hasn’t given us much information about the nature of the emergency, but he assured me that we are needed desperately. Dr. Aldridge is beaming down to the surface with Commander Dillon and Lieutenant Commander Jaroch to assess the situation and, if possible, render assistance.


EXT. BYTELLUS III - DAY DILLON, JAROCH, and ALDRIDGE materialize in a grassy square surrounded by buildings.


DILLON What have we got?


JAROCH Nothing yet, Commander.


ALDRIDGE It would help if you gave us time to actually do a scan first.


Jaroch and Aldridge take out their tricorders and start scanning. Dillon looks around. His eyes lock on a group of PEOPLE standing in a circle.


DILLON What the hell are they doing? They’re starting to scare me.


JAROCH (looking at tricorder) Unknown, sir. There’s nothing at all in the center of that circle that could be holding their attention.


ALDRIDGE Who knows? It could be what folks do for fun on this dirtball.


DILLON Go check them out, Doctor.


Aldridge exits.


DILLON Jaroch, we’ve got to find President Voolez. Evidently, his last message to Starfleet ended a bit abruptly. Any idea where the Capitol Building is?


JAROCH I believe that it may be that large building behind you with the gigantic sign reading Capitol Building.


DILLON Oh, good. Great job, Jaroch. Let’s go.


Dillon marches off. Jaroch follows shaking his head.


EXT. BYTELLUS III - DAY Aldridge approaches a large group of Bytellians standing in a circle watching each other with one eye open. She scans them with her tricorder.


ALDRIDGE Hello?


BYTELLIANS Hi.


ALDRIDGE What are you doing?


1st BYTELLIAN The President told us to keep an eye on each other.


ALDRIDGE I’m sure I’m going to regret asking this but why?


2nd BYTELLIAN He said that we may start to see our friends acting stupid, and, if we did, to report it immediately.


ALDRIDGE So, have you seen anything yet?


BYTELLIANS Nope.


ALDRIDGE Why did the President think that someone might start acting stupid?


1st BYTELLIAN It’s been going around.


ALDRIDGE Got it. I’m just going to run along now. Keep up the good work.


BYTELLIANS Right-O!


Aldridge walks off.


ALDRIDGE This place is a regular think tank.


INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - DAY PRESIDENT VOOLEZ sits on the floor playing with some blocks. Jaroch and Dillon enter.


DILLON Sir, I’m Commander Travis Michael Dillon, First Officer of the Federation Starship Secondprize. This is our science officer, Lieutenant Commander Jaroch. We’ve come in response to your distress signal.


Voolez moves a block out of his pile of blocks.


VOOLEZ One.


JAROCH I do not think that he cares, sir.


Voolez picks up another block, looks at it confused, then puts all the blocks back into his main pile. He picks one up and puts it aside.


VOOLEZ One.


He picks up another block and stares at it.


JAROCH Two.


Voolez puts the block back in the pile and starts over.


VOOLEZ One.


JAROCH (forcefully) Two.


Voolez starts over.


VOOLEZ One.


JAROCH Two!


Voolez starts over.


VOOLEZ One.


JAROCH TWO, god damn you! TWO! TWO! TWO!


Voolez starts over.


JAROCH NO! Don’t put that damn block back in the pile!


DILLON Jaroch, that man is in charge of this planet. Try to show a little respect, will you?


JAROCH (calmly) I am sorry, sir. I just was getting a bit…


Jaroch’s face goes blank for a few seconds.


JAROCH Jaroch mad. Jaroch want man to count right.


DILLON Hey, Tarzan. We’re representing the Federation here. Could you please talk like a normal person?


Jaroch sits down next to Voolez.


VOOLEZ One.


JAROCH Two.


Jaroch and Voolez look at the next block, then at each other. They shrug and start over.


VOOLEZ One.


Jaroch Two.


Dillon backs toward the door.


DILLON I’m sure that there’s a regulation against this. I don’t know what it is, but I’m going to go look it up.


He turns and runs out the door.


INT. DR. SECKO’S LAB - DAY Secko hunches over a computer screen rubbing his hands together gleefully.


SECKO Yes, soon. Very soon I will be in control of this entire planet, and everyone will be too stupid to stop me.


COMPUTER (V.O.) A Federation Starship has been detected in orbit above the planet.


SECKO What!


COMPUTER (V.O.) I said, a Federation Starship has been…


SECKO I heard you. That was a what of anger and alarm.


COMPUTER (V.O.) Gotcha.


SECKO So the Federation has come charging to the rescue. No matter. Their personnel will also become infected and will be powerless to stop me from taking over the world. Keep the viral generator at maximum.


Secko laughs evilly.


INT. HALLWAY OF THE CAPITOL BUILDING - DAY Dillon runs down the hall. Aldridge runs around a corner almost straight into him.


DILLON Doctor Aldridge! Thank god! I think something’s wrong with Jaroch.


ALDRIDGE He’s stupid, isn’t he?


DILLON That’s a bit harsh. I mean he’s a very intelligent guy normally.


ALDRIDGE (irritated) But he’s acting stupid now.


DILLON Well…yes. Stupidity would definitely be a good word to describe his condition.


ALDRIDGE It seems to be some kind of virus. Everyone I’ve scanned is exhibiting a very high level of immune system activity, but it doesn’t seem to be having any effect on the virus.


DILLON What about Jaroch?


ALDRIDGE Yynsians must be more susceptible to the virus than humans. Are you feeling any stupider, Commander?


DILLON No. And what do you mean stupider? Are you implying that I’m stupid?


ALDRIDGE No need to imply anything, sir. I’m going to beam up to the ship. Hopefully, I’ll be able to isolate and cure this virus with my equipment in sickbay.


DILLON Isn’t there a danger of infecting the rest of the crew?


ALDRIDGE I don’t think that it could affect some of them too much. But, just in case, I’m going to beam directly to sickbay into a quarantined area.


DILLON Fine. Wait a second! What about me?


ALDRIDGE If two of us go up, it doubles the risk that the virus might escape. Besides, you’d better stay here and look after Jaroch.


DILLON Joy. Report back as soon as you find anything.


Dillon walks off down the hall as Aldridge beams up. Dillon stops suddenly. His face goes blank.


DILLON Blocks! Blocks fun! Count blocks.


Dillon starts skipping off down the hall.


INT. SICKBAY - DAY Aldridge sits in front of a table with equipment on it working.

CAPTAIN RYDELL enters just as she slams down a padd in frustration.


RYDELL Not going well.


ALDRIDGE You could say that, Captain. And being stuck in quarantine field isn’t helping any.


RYDELL What’s the problem?


ALDRIDGE The scans I have of the Bytellians are useless. Since everyone of them I scanned was infected and the computer has no normal scans on file, I have nothing to work from.


RYDELL Oh. Would beaming one of them up here help?


ALDRIDGE No. Then we have the same risk of contaminating the crew that we’d have if we brought up Dillon or Jaroch…Jaroch!


RYDELL You have an idea?


ALDRIDGE I can use Jaroch. I have scans on file of his normal state of health. I just need his current condition.


RYDELL I can’t allow you to beam back down there.


ALDRIDGE But, Captain…


RYDELL You may not be infected. I am not about to allow you to expose yourself to that virus again.


ALDRIDGE Wonderful. Then, I guess Dillon’s going to have to do it. (Slapping commbadge) Aldridge to Dillon.


DILLON (V.O.) What’s up, doc? Can you tell me what comes after three?


ALDRIDGE Four. You’ve been infected with the virus, haven’t you?


DILLON (V.O.) No.


ALDRIDGE (Speaking slowly) Commander, I need you to help me. Use Jaroch’s tricorder.


INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - DAY Dillon sits playing blocks with Voolez and Jaroch.


DILLON His what?


ALDRIDGE (V.O.) His tricorder. (Pause) Get his large grey box, and open it for me.


DILLON O. K. Jaroch, gimme that box!


Dillon wrestles the tricorder from Jaroch.


JAROCH No, it’s mine! Ouch! That hurt!


INT. SICKBAY - DAY Aldridge listens to the chaos on the planet with growing disgust as Rydell watches in amusement.


DILLON (V.O.) (happily) Ha ha! I’ve got the box, doc.


ALDRIDGE (impatiently) Well, did you open it yet?


DILLON (V.O.) Oh yeah . . . how do I open it?


ALDRIDGE (Putting her head in her hands) Just push the switch at the top.


DILLON (V.O.) Oh. (Pause) Wow! Neat!


ALDRIDGE (looking at PADD) Keep it open, Commander. I’m getting both of their readings; that’ll make isolating the virus easier.


INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - DAY Jaroch struggles with Dillon for the tricorder.


JAROCH I want box!


DILLON I’ve got the box, and you can’t have it!


JAROCH I WANT BOX!!


DILLON Come and get it!


Jaroch dives at Dillon. They fight for the tricorder. It flies out of their hands and crashes to the floor.


DILLON (softly) Uh oh.


ALDRIDGE (V.O.) Dillon, what happened? The tricorder information stopped.


JAROCH You fault!


DILLON Was not!


JAROCH Was too!


DILLON Was not!


JAROCH Was too!


DILLON Not!


JAROCH Too!


INT. SICKBAY - DAY Aldridge can’t take it anymore. Rydell has been reduced to fits of hysterical laughter.


ALDRIDGE Computer, close channel. With any luck, I’ll be able to isolate this virus within the hour and find a cure by morning.


EXT. SPACE Secondprize fly-by.


ALDRIDGE (V.O.) Chief Medi…Doc…My log. Stardate… uh…I don’t know. Come down with virus…Can’t think…time running out… MUST FIND CURE.


INT. SICKBAY - DAY Aldridge is still seated at the table. She appears to be having trouble concentrating.


ALDRIDGE Aldridge to . . . bridge. Yeah, that’s right.


RYDELL (V.O.) Rydell here. Is everything okay, Doctor?


ALDRIDGE Working on stupidity. Need help. Please.


Aldridge slumps to the floor.


INT. SICKBAY - DAY CARR, BECK, and Rydell rush in to find Aldridge lying unconscious on the floor. Carr opens her tricorder and scans Aldridge.


CARR She appears to be fine except for high immune system activity, Captain.


RYDELL The virus. And with the quarantine field up, we can’t get to her.


CARR If we don’t have Dr. Aldridge, how are we going to stop the virus?


BECK We may not have her, but we do have her notes. Everything she typed into a padd or scanned with a tricorder is in the ship’s computer. Maybe she discovered enough to lead us to the cure.


RYDELL Good thinking, Beck. You and Carr see what you can find out. I’ll be on the bridge.


Rydell exits. Carr and Beck sit down to work at another console.


INT. SEVEN BACKWARD Beck and Carr are sitting at a table talking.


BECK O.K. What do we know?


CARR It is an airborne virus.


BECK And it blocks synapse activity in the brain rendering the subject, for lack of a better term, stupid.


CARR Yeah, but the weird thing is Doctor Aldridge’s notes say that the virus seems to be synthetic.


TRINIAN walks up with two drinks.


BECK So someone has released a stupidity virus into the air of Bytellus Three that is infecting the entire populous.


TRINIAN Sounds pretty straightforward to me. It takes a lot of virus to infect an entire planet. Just find the release point.


BECK How? Jaroch and Aldridge are out of commission.


TRINIAN Oh, I think a low level spectral analysis run in conjunction with a constant organic pattern recognition program ought to do it.


CARR Then we could locate the highest concentrations of the virus and find the source.


Beck and Carr get up to leave.


BECK Trinian, you’re a genius.


TRINIAN Nah. I just work here.


Beck and Carr exit.


INT. SECKO’S LAB - DAY Secko paces the room anxiously.


COMPUTER (V.O.) Amount of population infected now at eighty-nine percent.


SECKO Wonderful. Another couple of hours and no Bytellan will be intelligent enough to stop me from taking over.


COMPUTER (V.O.) Pardon me for asking, Dr. Secko, but why do you want to rule a planet full of morons?


SECKO Because, they’ll obey my every command and be too stupid to know any better. What else could a power-mad lunatic ask for?


COMPUTER (V.O.) Therapy?


SECKO You can be reprogrammed, you know. What’s the status of the Federation vessel?


COMPUTER (V.O.) Unchanged. They are still in orbit. No more personnel have transported to the surface.


SECKO Hiding on their ship are they? Wonderful. Even Starfleet is powerless against me.


INT. SICKBAY - DAY Beck and Carr work at a computer.


CARR (excitedly pointing at the screen) That’s it!


Beck slaps her commbadge


BECK Beck to Captain.


RYDELL (V.O.) Rydell here. How are things going?


BECK We’ve made some definite progress.


RYDELL (V.O.) I’ll be right there. Rydell out.


CARR What do you think?


BECK About what specifically?


CARR Our chances of stopping this thing. We aren’t doctors you know.


BECK And if this were a normal virus, I’d worry, but this thing is not normal.


Rydell enters.


RYDELL What’s not normal?


CARR We think we’ve discovered the source of the virus, sir.


RYDELL That’s great, Ensign, but what’s not normal?


BECK The virus, sir. It’s synthetic. A device on the outskirts of the Bytellan capital city is producing it in large quantities.


RYDELL Can we destroy the source from orbit?


CARR Yes, but we don’t know what effect that will have. Our phasers could cause a chain reaction that releases even more of the virus.


RYDELL Then, I guess I’ll just have to go down there.


Rydell turns to go.


CARR But, Captain, we have security personnel for this sort of thing.


RYDELL Yes, but I’ve been stuck up here for this this entire damn mission. I’m going down there. You two just find a cure for stupidity while I’m gone.


Rydell exits.


CARR Can he just beam into a potentially dangerous situation like that?


BECK It’s in the butt-kicking clause of his contract. He gets to clobber any major villain.


CARR What if he gets injured?


BECK That’s what stunt doubles are for.


Carr looks at Beck confused.


INT. SECKO’S LAB - DAY Rydell materializes.


RYDELL (Looking around) Hello? I’m looking for the nutball of the house.


Secko pops up from behind a console holding a phaser.


SECKO That would be me, and I seriously doubt that you’re making a house call for the galactic psychiatric board.


RYDELL If I was, would you drop the phaser?


SECKO Yes, after I finished vaporizing you.


RYDELL And you are?


SECKO Dr. Jurnian Secko.


RYDELL Dr. Sicko?


SECKO Secko! Secko! Secko!


RYDELL Woah. Watch it with that thing? You’re liable to shoot me.


SECKO I’m planning on doing that anyway.


RYDELL Figures.


Rydell dives behind another console. Secko tries to track him with his phaser but can’t get a clear shot. He cautiously approaches the console. Rydell’s leg shoots up, kicking the phaser out of Secko’s hand. It flies across the room, slamming into the computer and exploding.


COMPUTER (Screaming) I’m slain. Oh, doctor. I…will …destroy…them…uggggh (trails off)


SECKO (Screaming) Sparky! No! (turns on Rydell) You killed Sparky!


He dives at Rydell. The two begin wrestling.


INT. SICKBAY - DAY Beck and Carr are working feverishly.


PORTER (V.O.) Bridge to Lieutenant Beck.


BECK Beck here. Go ahead, Porter


PORTER (V.O.) There’s something wrong with that viral generator we’ve been monitoring.


BECK What do you mean wrong?


PORTER It’s now aimed directly at us, and there’s a power surge building.


BECK (to Carr) Can the virus survive in space long enough to affect us?


CARR I don’t know, but…


BECK Understood. Porter, initiate evasive maneuvers, but do not lose the transporter lock on Captain Rydell.


PORTER (V.O.) Acknowledged. Porter out.


CARR What do we do?


BECK Work faster. We may have to cure ourselves soon.


INT. SECKO’S LAB - DAY Rydell and Secko are grappling. Rydell slams Secko into a wall. Secko pushes Rydell back against a table and dives at him. Rydell dodges and goes for his phaser. Secko kicks it away.


INT. PRESIDENT VOOLEZ’S OFFICE - DAY Jaroch, Dillon, and Voolez are playing blocks happily, completely oblivious to the danger growing outside.


VOOLEZ One.


JAROCH Two.


DILLON Three.


INT. SECKO’S LAB - DAY Secko slams against a cabinet. He reaches inside and pulls out a vial.


SECKO Enough of this! You will be reduced the same mental state as your comrades.


He throws the vial at the floor in front of Rydell and runs for the door. As the vial cracks, spilling its contents, Rydell dives, catches Secko’s foot and pulls him back.


RYDELL We’ll still be a lot better off than you.


SECKO (furious) Do you realize what you’ve just done? You’ve doomed me to (face changes expression)…to (tries shaking it off) …no want be stupid.


RYDELL You’re fault. STUPID!


Secko bonks Rydell on the head.


SECKO I hate you.


Rydell bonks Secko.


RYDELL I hate you more.


Secko bonks Rydell.


SECKO Unh unh.


Rydell bonks Secko


RYDELL Uh hunh.


Secko bonks Rydell


SECKO Unh unh.


Rydell bonks Secko


RYDELL Uh hunh.


INT. SICKBAY - DAY Carr is hunched over a device while Beck paces. The ships rocks.


BECK Come on. Come on. We can’t evade these blasts forever.


CARR Just a second more…there.


She raise up holding a hypospray.


CARR That ought to do it…I hope.


BECK Now we’ve got to test it. Computer, remove quarantine field. (sound effect)


Beck and Carr approach Aldridge.


ALDRIDGE Ooh, toy!


BECK Not exactly.


Carr presses the hypo to Aldridge’s neck. Aldridge’s facial expression changes. She grasps her head.


ALDRIDGE Oh boy.


CARR Are you O.K.?


ALDRIDGE I’m kind of dizzy, but I think I’m fine.


BECK Good. Now, Doctor, we need to replicate enough of this to vaccinate the whole planet.


ALDRIDGE I think I was better off stupid.


INT. VOOLEZ’S OFFICE - DAY Same as before.


VOOLEZ One.


JAROCH Two.


DILLON Three.


JAROCH Four…What next?


DILLON I don’t know. Let’s start over.


VOOLEZ One.


Aldridge rushes in.


ALDRIDGE Stop! For god’s sake stop!


DILLON Hi, Doc. What’s after four?


ALDRIDGE Five, but who cares? I have the cure.


DILLON Cure for what?


ALDRIDGE Stupidity.


JAROCH What’s stupidity?


ALDRIDGE What you both have. Now hold still.


DILLON OK, but want to hear a joke?


ALDRIDGE (unsure) OK


DILLON What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?


Aldridge uses the hypo on Voolez.


ALDRIDGE I don’t know. What?


DILLON Uh…I don’t remember. Sorry.


Aldridge uses the hypo on Dillon.


ALDRIDGE I’m sure you’ll figure it out later.


JAROCH (laughing) You dumb!


DILLON Shut up!


JAROCH No, you shut up.


Aldridge uses the hypo on Jaroch.


ALDRIDGE (slapping her commbadge) Aldridge to Secondprize. Three to beam up.


INT. SECKO’S LAB - DAY Secko bonks Rydell.


SECKO Unh unh.


Rydell bonks Secko


RYDELL Uh hunh.


Secko bonks Rydell


SECKO Unh unh.


Carr and Beck rush in and pull Rydell and Secko apart. Carr uses the hypo on Rydell.


CARR Sir? Are you smart again?


RYDELL Uggh. Woah. Yeah, I’m fine.


BECK Who’s your friend?


RYDELL Dr. Sicko.


SECKO Secko. Name Secko.


CARR Should we cure him?


RYDELL Absolutely not. Let’s get out of here.


EXT. SPACE Secondprize fly-by


RYDELL (V.O.) Captain’s log. Stardate 49753.1. Dr. Aldridge has almost completed inoculating the citizens of Bytellus III against stupidity. Dr. Secko has been left stupid, though, and the Secondprize is transporting him to a nice, comfy rehabilitation colony. Except for those who were stupid to begin with, all signs of the virus have disappeared.


INT. SICKBAY - DAY Aldridge works at her desk. Dillon enters.


DILLON A stick.


ALDRIDGE What?


DILLON What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick. I finally remembered it.


ALDRIDGE Ah. I see the effects of the stupidity virus have finally worn off.


DILLON Yep, I’m as good as new.


Dillon turns to leave and runs into a table.


ALDRIDGE The door’s another foot to the left, sir.


DILLON (gasping) Thank you.


He leaves. Aldridge laughs and goes back to her work.


EXT. SPACE The Secondprize speeds off into space.


FADE OUT.


THE END


Tags: unleashed